SLOW BURN

3. good like you

Five hours later, I am with Brad in his car to go to his parent's house. It feels weird. The tension is clear between us. I don't know why Brad wanted me to come with him. Especially after our conversation earlier today. He's acting differently than how he was back when we broke up about three years ago. That time we broke up because we sort of drifted apart. I was starting a new job and Brad was working a lot at the fire station. We just got busy and lazy for our relationship. We had a talk over the phone one night and broke up.

He didn't look for me again until a year later which was when we decided to give it another try. He didn't act this way at all. He was more compliant. He had given up. I can tell he's not giving up easily this time. I wonder why. Maybe because he feels guilty. I know I share some of that guilt. I've endured it for years now.

The night Josh kissed me, it changed something. I just haven't really figured out what. The fact that I didn't stop him or push him away has always bothered me. Kissing your boyfriend's brother is definitely up high in the list of things not to do. It's so hard to believe that eight years have passed since then. It feels like it was months ago, weeks even. That makes me nervous. Josh probably doesn't even remember the kiss. I doubt he's thought about it as much as I have. I know it's probably something we might never talk about again...but I've always wondered why he did it.

That night after we pulled away, I ran out of his room as fast as my legs could take me. Now I wish I would have stayed to talk. He probably thought I got angry at him. I wasn't. That was the last time I saw Josh and now I'm on my way to his parent's house to see him again. I look forward to seeing him again. I considered him my best friend at one point in high school. I knew him before I met Brad. There's no logical reason for me to be nervous but I am. Maybe this was a bad idea. Maybe I shouldn't have come. Especially when things are not good between Brad and I. I'm not sure I can deal with all of this all at once.

It's too late to back out now. We're here.

Brad pulls onto the driveway and parks. He shuts the ignition. It's dark outside and we sit in the darkness of the car for a moment. Neither of us say anything. The lights are on inside the house. They're probably getting ready for dinner. Maybe waiting for us. The happy couple.

"Would you-"

I turn to look at Brad who hesitates. I look down at his hand and realize he's holding the engagement ring. I was so happy the day he proposed. It really felt like nothing could go wrong between us but here we are. I'm not so sure we can ever get back to how we were before.

"Would you take it?" He finally finishes his question.

He's asking me to wear it. I shake my head. "I don't think that's a good idea, Brad." We're already deceiving his family. What's the point if this is going to end soon?

He sighs sounding defeated, as if he expected that answer. "You were the one thing I had done right in my life-"

"Don't say that. That's not true."

"My parents-they love you." He continues. "They've always wondered how it is that I ended up with someone so good like you."

I turn to look outside the window, my throat tightening.

"And now I've screwed it up." He looks at me sadly. "The one good thing in my life. I'm so sorry, Natalie."

I turn to look at him, fighting back the tears. I hate seeing him like this. I want him to be his old lay back self. I love Brad. I've loved him since high school. I think part of me always will. He will always be my first love. My first real boyfriend. He was my first everything.

I reach out and place my hands on his cheeks then I press my lips against his in a sad kiss. "I'm not as good as you think I am, Brad." I tell him. Then I reach out for the ring and put it back on my finger. "I'll do this for you. Whatever you need to make this easier. But please don't get your hopes up. This doesn't mean we just forget about everything that has happened."