SLOW BURN

30. your someone

I don't go to work the next day. I feel too tired. Too sad. Too empty. Too everything. I keep replaying what happened that night with Josh and I keep wondering if I made a mistake in letting him go. I don't know if I love him the way he wants me to love him. Like he said, if I really loved him then I would be willing to face anything for him right? I know I care about him. I love being with him. This was about attraction from the beginning and I wanted to keep it that way. The problem was that Josh was too good for that. He deserves what he wants. Someone to love him enough to face anything for him. Someone he can marry. Someone to build a family with.

I'm not that woman right now.

I know that I can be with time but even then, I don't know if I can be that woman for Josh. He will always be Brad's brother. I don't know how to just not care about that. I don't want to be responsible for a fall down in their family. I can't do that to Louisa and Clint. I can't do that to Josh or even Brad. So no matter how much my body yearns to be with Josh, I know I have to let him go. I want him to have a shot in getting what he wants even when I know that he's going to fall right into Cassie's arms.

I call in sick for work and stay in my room for the rest of the week. I don't come out except to get something to eat just because I know my body needs it and not necessarily because I have appetite. I don't see Cassie which helps. I haven't felt like this since the first time Brad and I broke up a few years ago. It almost feels like I'm getting over two break-ups since I never really took the time to dwell on my break-up with Brad. It sucks and I hate it. I know I have to get it together at some point but I just don't have it in me to do that right now. Not when I miss Josh like I've never missed him before. It's different this time because I know he's not coming back. I know I'm not seeing him any time soon.

I don't answer Savannah's texts or calls all week so when there is a knock on the door on Sunday at around six in the evening, I think that it's her. I wait a few minutes to see if Cassie is home or if they leave but Cassie isn't home and the knocking continues.

I finally walk out of my room and peek out the hole. I frown then open the door. Crystal is standing on the other side wearing leggings with a white top and tennis shoes. Her hair is up in a ponytail and her face is flushed as if she ran here.

"Crystal?" I ask in confusion. I didn't even know she knew where I lived. "What are you doing here?"

She scans me with her eyes. "Your sister called. She thought you were dead."

I roll my eyes then turn and sit on the couch. Crystal walks in and closes the door behind her. I look around and remember why I had been avoiding coming out of my room. It's because of the stupid wall. It reminds me of Josh. "Well, I'm not dead."

"You look dead," she says sitting next to me. "What's up? Are you alright?"

I shrug. "I'm fine," I say and she narrows her eyes at me. I sigh. "I'll be fine."

"Did you have a fight with Josh?"

I look at her. "We broke up? We were never really together so it doesn't feel right saying that but I guess that's what happened..."

It's crazy to think how the last time I spoke to her, I was telling her that I thought I was pregnant and now I am telling her that it's over between Josh and I. It's always the unexpected people that are there for you when you need someone.

"Ah," she says with a nod. "So that's why he's been moody all week."

I feel some hope in knowing that he hasn't been doing okay either and I immediately feel bad. He told me he loved me and I turned him away. I'm so selfish. I hadn't even thought about how he feels. Thinking about it now only makes me feel even worse.