SLOW BURN

29. let's not talk

Josh and I don't have the opportunity to talk that weekend. In a way, I think that we're both avoiding each other. We're both avoiding what's coming.

On Tuesday, I start looking into going back to school to get my teaching license. It's really starting to look like a possibility. I know I'm going to have to take out a loan but I don't mind because I'm debt free right now. I got scholarships for college so I didn't have to take out any student loans. After a talk with Savannah, I am determined to do this. She believes in me and that's all that I need. I just need someone to believe in me. Someone to tell me that this is not crazy, that it's not a bad idea.

That evening, I'm sitting on the couch when Cassie gets home. I thought she would be working all night or else I would have stayed in my room.

"Hey," I say looking at my computer but I turn to look at her when she doesn't say anything.

She is leaning against the door with a big smile on her face. "Oh. My. God."

I frown. "Are you okay?"

She laughs. "Yes. Sorry. I'm just freaking out."

"Why? What happened?"

"We kissed!" She says excitedly as she sits next to me.

I can hear something breaking in me. I think it's the trust that I had in Josh. It's happening. My fear is happening.

"Y-you kissed?" I stutter trying to hide the sadness in my voice.

"Yes!" She smiles. "I know I'm acting like a teenager right now but I was so scared it wasn't going to happen. I thought he had forgotten about me-about his feelings towards me but he kissed me and-" she looks up at the ceiling with a dreamy look on her face. "-it was like fireworks."

I bite my tongue, fighting against the urge to tell her that I know exactly what it feels like. For some reason, I always thought that the fireworks only existed between Josh and I. Now I'm learning that I've been living a fantasy. Cassie was there before me. They'll always have that special connection. I knew that but I really wanted to believe Josh. I wanted him to prove me wrong.

"Wow." I finally choke out, not really knowing what else to say.

"Yes, wow," she says pressing her fingers against her lips.

I have to look away or I know my face will give me away. I hate the images of Josh kissing her that are flooding my mind. It fills me with jealousy and it really makes me dislike Cassie even more when none of this is her fault. She is innocent. She has no idea what is going on.

My phone begins to vibrate next to me and I pick it up to look at the caller ID. It's Josh. I hit ignore. I don't want to speak with him right now. I have no valid claim over him to reproach what he did. He told me I had nothing to worry about and here we are. He loved Cassie and you don't just forget love unless it wasn't real in the first place.

I smile at Cassie. "That's great, Cassie. I'm happy for you."

"I can't believe this is happening. I fell in love with him four years ago. I thought I was never going to see him again and now he literally walked back into my life and-" she shakes her head with a smile. "I just can't believe this is happening. It's too good to be true."

"Right," I say slowly with a smile, wondering why they were together in the first place. Have they been seeing each other without me knowing? I asked Josh to tell me if he changed his mind about her. Why couldn't he just tell me? I clear my throat. "Have you been seeing him?" I ask casually.