SLOW BURN

44. blazing fire

I hold the coffee mug with my two hands and bring it up to my lips as I listen to Queen in my bedroom. It's been a weird couple of weeks. Scratch that. It's been a miserable couple of weeks. I've never had to fight against myself to keep going like I've been doing for the past weeks.

At first, I wanted to pretend that I was fine. I moved to Newport and told my parents it was because I was starting classes at the community college which wasn't a lie because I did enroll days later but still I didn't tell them the real reason I moved to Newport overnight. I moved in with Savannah. She owns her own little house in the suburbs, close to the beach which is nice. I don't know why I didn't move in with her before. I didn't have to tell her anything the night that I showed up on her doorstep. One look at me and she knew what had happened. I tried to pretend that I wasn't as broken as I was and am still.

And then I just didn't have it in me to keep pretending. I cried when I felt like crying which is still pretty often. I love that Savannah doesn't say anything when she sees me moping around the house. She lets me be. I'm so grateful for her. She's the reason I'm not depressed in some corner...at least not most of the time.

I've never experienced heartbreak like this.

I want to make sure it's the first and last time I allow anyone to hurt me this way. I know most of the fault is not on Josh but I still feel angry at him for giving up on us. After everything he's said to me. After he was the one who wanted us to become public. He promised it wouldn't change anything. He promised to stay by my side. I understand that he's hurt and feels guilty about what happened to Brad but where is all that love that he claims to have for me? What was the point of all of this if this was going to be the ending for us? I should have listened to myself and fought harder against the attraction towards him. I should have stayed away. I mean, we talked about getting married and having kids for God's sake.

It's too late for regrets though. Everything that happened, already happened and I've already spent enough time thinking about the what if's. I'm exhausted. I'm ready to move on. Sadly, heartbreak doesn't stop hurting just because you "feel ready" to move on. It still feels like I have a knife inside my chest that causes me pain whenever I start thinking about Josh, about how much I miss him.

I wonder if he misses me. I wonder why he hasn't come looking for me. He's been calling but I ended up blocking his number. My sadness is turning into anger. I already tried to convince myself that he never really loved me but I failed. I know his love was real. I saw it in his eyes and felt it on his lips whenever he kissed me. The problem here is that he is too good for his own good. He cares too much. He is loyal and he hurts whenever somebody he loves is hurting especially if he blames himself for their pain. I know that if the roles were reversed, Brad wouldn't have let me go. Maybe caring too much is bad. Or not. At this point, I don't know if it's really me thinking all of this or the depressed Natalie that I've become.

I clean the tear that rolls down my cheek. I really don't need to start crying right now. I'm tired of crying. Maybe I shouldn't be listening to Somebody to Love by Queen. It's not a song to listen to when you are lonely and feel like all your dreams and desires have been crushed like bones under pressure. I change the song and You're My Best Friend starts playing. That one does it and I start to cry.

I grab a napkin and clean the tears quickly when I hear the key in the lock. I bring the mug up to my lips and take a sip of the sweet coffee in an attempt to hide my probably red eyes and nose. "Hey," I say when Savannah walks in.

She looks at me. "Hey."

"How was Portland?" I ask casually but secretly fishing for information. Maybe not-so-secretly. I'm sure Savannah knows I'm eager to know how everyone is back in Portland. She went with our parents to visit Louisa and Clint today. I stayed behind for obvious reasons.