Why Did I Get Married; Part One ☾☀︎ Camren

Bonus Chapter #3

(A/N) I keep getting random ass epiphanies, and I know y'all ain't complaining so 🤷🏻‍♀️

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Emptiness.

I can't feel it within me, I don't feel much of anything these days. It's as though, I'm a shell of nothing to give back to the world. There was a time when I had so much within me; love, light and most of all, myself.

But right now, I don't even know who I am. I can't even remember what it felt like to be me. When I smile, I can no longer feel that smile from deep within. It's as though sometimes, my lips just curve upwards because my body assumes that, that is just the necessary reaction to a certain action.

My reaction doesn't reflect what I feel on the inside.

Because the storm inside me has become so calm that it doesn't rage again, and no one ever seems to notice. And that's fine, it's no one's duty to.

That scares me, the inability to feel things - to love, to laugh, to feel happy. To truly feel all these emotions in a way that I used to, back before the world tainted me.

I've lost my soul, and I'm scared that I'll never find it again.

And I don't know how to cope anymore.

Maybe this is just a phase in my life and I'll feel 'okay' again. Or so I hope.

I've dealt with way worse, and I can deal with even more.

But...but how can I lose such a huge part of me and not feel broken? How can I feel love again, when I don't even feel anything?

That's what scares me.

Camila had to watch her father walk out of her life at a tender age. She had to watch the only man who would truly love her leave her. He didn't want to go, but he had hurt his family enough.

He left his wife wondering whether she was good enough. What she could've done better so that he wouldn't have done what he did.

He left his daughter wondering if it was her, if she was the reason why her father was no longer around.

That's the thing about cheating, it feels good in the moment. That rush of adrenaline and excitement. But when it's all over, you have to sit and live with that guilt. When your person finds out what you did, you have to live with the knowledge that you broke someone's trust.

You broke someone's heart.

That you broke someone.

And it's highly unlikely that things would go back to the way it used to be.

I know how difficult it is, to keep experiencing things that have the power to break you to such an extent where you can literally feel the pain in your bones. But you still tell everyone that you can deal with it, even though you're struggling to hold it together.

I know how hard it is to continue being strong, despite it all.

I know what it's like to have your heart broken time and time again by the one person who promised to love you despite it all.

Sometimes all you need is a time out. To cry until your heart feels just a bit lighter. It doesn't make you look weak.

Can't you see?

It's not your strength that helps you heal, but rather the softness of your soul every single time. You're a warm hearted person, which means that you hurt a lot more than others. You feel a lot more. You care a lot more.