The Things I'd Rather Forget // Countryhumans AU

Ch 22: Watching From Afar \\ The Reunification

Russia checked to make sure he had brought all of the stuff he would need one last time. Today was the day, after all. The day Russia would go back to New York and hopefully see Ame. He was excited and terrified and excited and... you get the point. Russia was excited to see America, even though he felt like a child admitting that to himself. Russia has verified that he likes America a lot, but for the past few weeks, he's also been consistently and stubbornly ignoring his own feelings for the smaller country. It's confusing and Russia should really stop because it's obvious he's crushing really hard, but I mean whatever floats his Slavic boat. Russia was also terrified, though. That lingering thought that something was up with America kept on popping in Russia's totally gay mind. Honestly, Russia was terrified that America might've changed. Or that America didn't think they were friends anymore. Or that America-

Ok, Russia needs to stop being stubborn and worrying himself to death.

...

At first, this whole love thing seemed nice. Russia had heard stories of it and it truly seemed like a dream come true. But, Russia had become scared of this new and unfamiliar emotion quickly after he realized it was there in the first place.

Love terrified him.

And Russia wanted to pull his heart back into its loveless corner. Though Russia would never admit this to anyone, he fears that if he invests his heart into America- someone he couldn't even have a decent conversation with a month ago- his heart will end up broken. He's scared because of how quickly he fell in love in the first place- how his heart just jumped straight into it. Russia wasn't an improvisational, careless person by any means. He never did anything without a plan if he had time to make one. He's scared that he might get hurt or- even worse- that America might get hurt because of Russia's stupid feelings. That's the last thing Russia wanted.

Russia's terrified that he could love someone so much in the first place. He didn't know he could. He knew deep down inside that if America needed help, he would drop everything he was doing to be there. To help him out, to comfort him. It was so gay and so very scary.

So, Russia created a plan recently. He would box up his feelings in the safest, most secure location in his heart so that Russia wouldn't hurt himself or America by having them. Russia had already tried getting rid of them, and quickly realized that his heart is its own boss- it won't listen to Russia no matter how much he begs. So, this was the next best thing: hide them. Russia loved America, but America could never, ever know. He wouldn't be able to take rejection. Russia would love America from afar. That was his only solution. He'll friendzone himself and be the best damn friend that stubborn dork has ever had.

There'll be no room for a relationship in Russia's grand plan, but that's okay. Russia can wait. As long as it kept his heart intact, as long as it limited these stupid, scary, amazing emotions from ever being shown, and as long as Russia could still see America smile, Russia could wait for a million years and a million more.

He would be okay; and maybe one day in the distant future when Russia's finally figured out all these confusing emotions and become a braver country, he could finally go up to America and say the words, "I love you."

...

Until then, Russia's scared.

Until then, Russia will wait, his heart forever pounding in his chest and reminding him of what it's like to love.

--x--

Russia smiled as his sister Belarus clambered onto Russia's plane. When she saw her brother, she brightened and immediately ran to hug him. "I haven't seen you in forever, you tree!" She exclaimed, smiling widely.