2020 journal

january 5, 2020

2:44 a.m.

hi, this is my new journal. 

i have tried every option there possibly is for journaling--which is something i have literally always wanted to do--but i have yet to find something that i am happy with and look forward to and can remain consistent with. so hello old friend (wattpad, that is). and when i say it's something i've always wanted to do, i mean i have been trying for years. probably started with those chunky diaries from the scholastic book fairs my elementary and middle schools always put on. throughout high school (i'm a senior now), i picked up bullet journaling for a while. bullet journaling is really whatever you make of it, but it's most popularly used for planning, tracking, and, obviously, journaling. i absolutely love bullet journaling, i still do it months at a time when i'm feeling it for the planning part, but i just cannot keep up with a journal side. strange because that's what i really want; the planning and aesthetic are just a bonus.

anyways, i just want an outlet to put my thoughts on paper (or on the screen, shall i say?), and i want to be able to look back down the road and realize what the hell i was doing. i'm about to graduate and go to college. i don't want to forget these days. hell, maybe my children can read these and be like, wow what the hell were you doing? so, my point is, i'm going to be completely raw on here. maybe it's because i'm behind a screen that i don't mind doing that, but it helps me be honest with myself. 

now, onto the actual journal entry i guess.

my life is a mess right now. kind of. i have unfinished college apps (one is due in less than 24 hours... yikes). my room is a fucking mess. financial aid is due tonight too. the light in my room went out during thanksgiving break, and my dad hasn't been able to fix it since, so i've been sitting with a desk lamp on my bed for the past two weeks. there's a nasty roach crawling around in my bathroom somewhere for god knows how long now, but i'm a pussy and don't want to face it, so i just walk away which sounds even worse but just let me live. i'm joining afrotc next year and have a fitness test soon for the scholarship so i tried to do the 1-minute pushups and sit-ups, and jeez i have some work to do, and i have a week and 4 days to do it. 

but guess what, my problems are nothing compared to the world's problems right now. 

australia is on fire, iran is threatening us after we assassinated one of their leaders and trump is flexing our military, china is putting muslims in concentration camps, and our leaders are failing to do something about climate change.