In Bocca Al Lupo

28- Kick in the Door

Seeing that I still had maybe nine or so minutes to blow before the plane took off, I turned to stare out the window to try and pass the time. My knee was bouncing against the bottom of the plane annoyingly, no doubt annoying Bucciarati and Trish although they didn't say or do anything to stop me.

Standing up abruptly, I paced into the cockpit to hang out there until the plane was ready for takeout. Having heard me come in, Abbacchio pulled his headphones down around his neck to give me an expectant look. Frowning lightly, I decided to explain myself and grumbled, "Didn't feel like just sitting there. Made me antsy."

"How's being up here going to help you?" Abbacchio seemed curious about my intentions, eyes trained on me as he waited for an answer.

Crossing my arms over my chest, I leaned back against the wall, "'Cause you're here."

Falling silent, Abbacchio turned to face the plane controls. Worried that I pissed him off or something, I prepared myself for Abbacchio to scold me about something, shifting around on my feet. Tapping the smooth plastic of the controls with his fingers, Abbacchio finally gave a response, "Because I'm here. Why me over the others?"

"You're cool with stuff. Even though I think we hated each other at first, you still did things for me, even if you didn't really have to," My explanation made Abbacchio fall into another silence, although this one was more comfortable than tense.

"I never... hated you," Abbacchio broke his own silence, still trying to figure out what he wanted to say, "I was just... threatened, I guess. You just showed up suddenly and immediately put your trust in the others. I thought you were some kind of idiot, and I tried to push you away, but you just kept trying to be friendly with me. The way I saw the gang was just business- I was willing to sacrifice everything to get a mission done. So having somebody go out of their way to brush off my attempts to push them away didn't sit right with me."

Pulling one of his legs up to his chest, Abbacchio hugged it tightly and continued on, a look of deep sorrow crossing his face, "We still don't know each other too well, so I won't tell you any more than this but... a few years back, my own selfishness got somebody important to me killed. I still don't get why he pushed me out of the way. It's a lot easier for me drink away my sorrow than it is to face my own mistakes. All I wanted when I joined the gang was to do as I was told, nothing more, nothing less. I'm a shitty person, but I don't want to drag anybody else into any mess I make."

"You just proved yourself wrong," Pushing myself off the wall, I stepped closer to Abbacchio, "You said 'I'm a shitty person, but I don't want anybody to get hurt for my sake'."

Abbacchio frowned at me, "That's not what I-"

"'I feel awful that somebody sacrificed themselves for my sake, so I don't want it to happen again'," I rephrased, hoping that Abbacchio would understand me, "You can't be a horrible person and still worry about people risking themselves for your sake."

"You don't know what I did," Abbacchio countered weakly, sounding more vulnerable than I'd ever heard from him, "If you knew what it was that I did, you wouldn't be saying that to me."

"Why would I care about stuff you did in the past?" I replied, hoping I wasn't coming off too aggressively, "I didn't know you back then. I'm just judging you based on who you are now. Even if I did know you then, you've just admitted what you did was horrible, so you've grown as a person."

Staring at the jet's carpet, Abbacchio considered what I had said before asking, "What could you possibly be getting out of a relationship with me, anyway? You already have Giorno and Fugo wrapped around your finger. Do you really need me, too?"