the royals ✅

chap 12: glass shatters

  Hours pass, people come up to me, yet, I don't move. I pick up my phone, which rests against the ground. I'm numb. Tears continue to come out of my eyes, no matter how hard I try to stop them. I haven't cried this much in weeks. Months. I know this process. Grieving. I've done it countless times, yet, it never gets easier. Without a chance to let my anger out, I'll eat myself alive. And I know what I have to do. I promised myself I would be myself no matter what, and that means I have one goal, and one goal only. They knew better. And now, it's my turn. I had warned Parker. Warned him that I would hit back. This is all I know. I need vengeance. I need to stop this beating inside of me, this constant thudding, the one that is slowly tearing me apart.

 I love Adonis. Love.  It's a strong word. Love is something that you can't define, something that you'll never be able to define. It's about choosing that person over everyone else, over and over again. I still love him. But I also know him. He won't ever, ever take me back. And Alexis Rhodes has never, ever begged for anything in her entire life. And I refuse to allow this to be the first time. Because it's pointless. I won't beg for someone who doesn't want me back. His expression, the way he looked at me, as if I was his worst enemy.  More tears flood my eyes, flowing down my face.

 It hurts. It feels like someone is forcing pieces of glass down my throat, forcing me to swallow, choking me.  Everything hurts. And then the next moment I'm numb. A familiar feeling rises to my throat, bubbling in my mouth, as I desperately look everywhere. The bile rises from my mouth far too soon, and chunks spray out of my mouth right beside me.

My breakfast, on the floor, beside me, sends me into more tears. More pain.

I hold my stomach in a grimace as I shuffle slightly, reaching for a napkin. The girl at the concessions stands draws her lips into a straight line as she sees the puke besides me, but when she looks at me, her annoyance vanishes. It's replaced with pity I can't bear to look at. So I turn my head to the side, avoiding her gaze. She simply takes a mop, cleaning it up as I place the napkin on my mouth, wiping it, and my eyes droop at this. I can't even look at myself. I can't look at who I am. He's right. Adonis is always right. I'm a fucking monster. A wreck.

Two more hours pass, the tears finally stop. I force them to stop. I knew. I walked into to this. This is my fault. This is my fault. This is my fault. But I promised myself that I'd hit them back with everything I had. I didn't walk away from fights, no. I would never. I only fought back. I'd put everything I had, every single bone in my body, into this.

This is my fault. This is my fault.

"Stop" I wail in despair, covering my ears. No. I don't want to hear the voices. No. No. No. No. I don't want to realize the truth- that in the end, this is on me. I let this happen. I walked into it, headfirst. I had believed I was ready to deal with the repercussions. I was never ready. I didn't know that Parker would go so far. Destroy my happiness. The girl's eyebrows arch, yet, she says nothing. My phone is beside me on the ground. I reach, forcing myself to try and pick it up. Yet, I can't.

 Someone kicks it closer to me, stooping beside me. Familiar features. Ryder. His signature boyish grin is ever present on his face as he sits on the chair beside my position, watching me. My gut twists, and I feel the familiar spew of chunks coming out of my mouth. I inch towards the trash can, emptying whatever is left of my breakfast into it.

I hesitantly turn to look at Ryder. He's still sitting there, silent. Observing me. More bile rises, but my stomach has nothing left to give. I lay my head against the cold ground. I know what I want. I want to pull Parker's heart out of his chest, shove it back into him, make him bleed, make him pay. I want to watch the light disappear from Blair's eyes. I want them to suffer. I can't hold this sadness. I can't. I won't. It's slowly turning into anger. I want everyone to be miserable. As miserable as I am. Because I won't suffer alone. We all hold our heads high, act as if we are unbeatable, untouchable, but we can be destroyed. We are insignificant. Can easily be toppled. We overplay our worth and forgot how easy it is to destroy us.