CHAOS | Chanbaek +18

XXII

NOTE: Sensitive content ahead (violence). Do not read if you're sensitive when it comes to this kind of things, you will be able to figure everything out as the story goes on. 

If words could kill, Chanyeol would be now the most prolific murderer in the world, cause with every second that passes by as he talks, Baekhyun could feel his soul leaving his body, transforming him into a ghost. 

It's been more than an hour since Chanyeol started to tell him all the bad parts of their relationship and it seems like he wasn't even done with half of them and that, for Baekhyun, felt like hell. It was a weird thought but he somehow wished he'd hear "I used to hit you" or "I broke your arm because I was angry" or any other kind of excuse these criminals explain on tv when their wives get into the hospital. He thought it would make it easier. He thought that being physically hurt was better than "I used you".  Being a doll for the man he used to love, wasn't the kind of news Baekhyun wanted to hear today. 

"I- I used to be in such a dark place with my mind that I could only let go of all this anger, all these bad thoughts by putting all the pressure on my shoulders, on yours", Chanyeol explained, not looking at Baekhyun. Baekhyun didn't mind, he wasn't even hearing every word as he was curled up in a corner of his bed whine Chanyeol was on the opposite one. The older had no strength to look into his eyes as the story of how many times he'd abuse his fragile body or mind, how many invisible wounds he had left on his soul, that he couldn't even remember. 

"It's your mind", he said, words that finally caught Baekhyun's attention, making him look at the other man, eyes full of tears but no courage to ask what he was talking about. Chanyeol understood without looking at him and continued, looking absently at the floor. "Sehun told me that it's your mind the one who blocks all these memories. It happens to some people after having a trauma like an accident, an assault... Your brain just locks all these memories to keep you safe." He explains on a calm tone, not because he was calm about all of these, but because everything felt like a nightmare and he was somewhere above, watching all of these. He was as absent as Baekhyun was. Two ghosts, just sharing a room while hearing about some horrific memories that they dared to name "love" a long time ago.

It was all silence. For an hour. Then for two and almost three. 

All you could hear was their breaths, in the same rhythm that only Chanyeol remembers. Baekhyun's was more alert, taking two breaths in the time while he was taking only two. "It's because you're younger", Chanyeol used to tell him before, on their good moments. "They say that you breathe less and less as years go by... As you get closer to death, your breath gets rarer." He remembered that one night, after coming back from work and Baekhyun was waiting for him to get in bed, he heard the boy murmuring something. The room was almost as silent as it was now but still, he couldn't understand so he asked him to repeat once he got beside him in bed. Baekhyun, with slow, soft moves he turned to him then and slipped his tongue over his rosy lips before talking, seconds late. "I am closer to death... than you are", Baekhyun whispered, looking into Chanyeol's dark eyes before continuing. "Why are your breathings so rare?".

It was still early in their relationship when he heard these words coming from the younger so he couldn't answer. These words kept awake for weeks, even months. And every time he was away, he could hear them echoing in his head. And since the accident, he fell asleep and woke up with these words in his mind, hearing the same sweet, innocent, almost angelic voice over and over again asking such a question. 

It was Baekhyun who finally broke this morbid silence inside the room. Not with words, but Chanyeol could hear the sheets of the bed making light sounds and he could feel the pressure besides him when Baekhyun laid down, eyes locked on the ceiling. Without being asked to, Chanyeol felt like it was the right thing to do and he laid down, too, in the same position, looking at the same spot on the dark ceiling. It was night by now and the room was dark, no light besides the sparkle in their eyes, slowly dying. 

It was true. If anyone would have heard this story, they wouldn't be able to even think about the word "love". With Chanyeol, coming home every night from work to Baekhyun, who was waiting for him like a puppy, but in Chanyeol's eyes, he could be only a way to get away from all the stress. With fights, cruel words and mostly angry sex that would leave the fragile boy breathless, a state so dangerous for him. For Chanyeol, it was a way to distress, leaving all these dark thoughts, these hard moments he was getting through on Baekhyun's flawless skin, making him a sinner like him every single night but for Baekhyun, the one who could say nothing because he was thought that this is what he deserves, this is the best he can get for who he is, this was hell. And he'd always look for a way to escape but something was holding him back. "You dyed your hair pink..." the man commented, shortly laughing. "You asked me so many times to let you do this. You wanted pink hair so bad and I was always the big, bad man to say no." Baekhyun turned his head to the side and even if he couldn't see anything because of the dark, he knew that Chanyeol was looking at him. "I wanted to keep your natural beauty, your pureness... It's what I adored from the first second about you."

This one thing that kept him away from escaping this hell... this feeling that always made him come back and want more... it was love. 

His undying love for Chanyeol.

It was true. Death was buzzing in Baekhyun's ears every single day since he was born. Waiting to catch his soul and destroy him, take him away. Baekhyun was close to death.

But so was Chanyeol.