CHAOS | Chanbaek +18

XXVI

It's been two days since Baekhyun knocked on Chanyeol's door early in the morning, asking about their past. Still, there was no sign from the couple that have raised him. No calls, no messages, no visits and knowing Luhan, Chanyeol was sure that Baekhyun didn't leave with his permission. He'd probably talk with Sehun at work but it's been months since last time Chanyeol went to work. Waiting for Baekhyun to wake up became his daily routine and once he was "gone", he looked for him day and night, forgetting about his job, about his life, about his own person.

He only found himself these mornings, when he'd wake up with a curios Baekhyun in the kitchen, eating his breakfast. They still talked only a few phrases per day but only seeing the smaller around the empty house was enough to warm his frozen heart again. 

He missed Baekhyun. Losing him meant for Chanyeol to lose the only few years in his life when he really felt alive. He never knew what love is. Being raised by his father to stand up in the crowd with his sharp mind and cold attitude, to never get attached cause feelings would bring nothing but damage to a person and most important thing: never let people see the real you. They will use it against you, the man used to say. Raised to win everything, needed or not, wanted or not, his father made him obsessed, he made a monster hungry for power from an innocent child. 

Chanyeol was forced to marry Minji, a dark-skinned brunette when both of them were around 22. Both of them were young, with a bright future ahead but their marriage was meant to make peace between two of the biggest rivals in their world, between Parks and Kims. As long as Minji was satisfied, her father said, both parts would live in peace, together. But his daughter knew from the start that there was no way the man she married would truly love her. His eyes, his voice, his touch and even his presence...were dead cold. Chanyeol never looked at her with adoration, like the other men would. He'd never ask about her needs in a caring way but as an obligation. He'd never hold her hand in public or kiss her because of how happy their marriage was but because, as she realised later, he wanted their marriage to end sooner. And Minji accepted all of these because what she was looking for wasn't love, but safety. And she found it with Chanyeol who, even if he wasn't loving her and there was no chance he will ever do it, he'd still protect her. Everyone was afraid of the person he had become, of the beautiful monster that had control over everything. She was finally safe. For a while.

And it did. On May 3rd, four years ago, Minji's dad was found dead, shot in his chest repeatedly. "Twenty-two bullets", Minji kept repeating that day. This was a number Chanyeol could never forget. She wasn't desperately crying, not even for people's eye when Chanyeol would ask her to. "You can't cry when the sky is bright blue", she said, being followed by her now ex-husband just the next day, saying "or when hell's flame is burning with sins."

Their divorce was so peaceful that they never heard of each other again and only a few days after, Chanyeol was more than surprised to...welcome home a stranger that somehow, managed to wake up inside of him a feeling that he had never known about. He knew that there was something in the smaller's sparkly eyes that would make the pit of his stomach burn and that his loud, contagious laugh was making his heart burst with emotion, the way it used to do when he was just a little kid and he'd see his mother after a long day. Kissing Baekhyun was like regaining his youth, the boy showing him how good it was supposed to be to love at a young age. It didn't remind him of when he was his age because his life had always been different but it dis showed him a new side of this life they were living. 

Baekhyun was the opposite of everything he had ever seen. His cherry lips, accompanied by the small nose and big eyes with full cheeks were giving the young boy a doll aspect, along with his honey voice. His body was petite, with curves in all the right places, more beautiful than any woman he had ever had or man and the pale, flawless skin was like porcelain. His presence was so bright that he could barely fit in this scenario but still, he managed to gain everyone's attention and adoration with it. 

But the angel could only have eyes for one man, the one he'd throw himself in hell's flame if he had to. 

But he never thought that Chanyeol would let him burn. He never thought that the man he loved would push him in the abyss of despair and leave him in pain every time they'd touch and they'd call this "love". Breathless, with tears drying on his cheeks, a sore throat and a marked body -in and out, from head to toe-, and a soul full of wounds that would never heal, Baekhyun always had to put on a mask in public and pretend that yes, Chanyeol is the man of his dreams. He had to pretend that yes, Chanyeol is taking good care of him. He had to pretend that yes, Chanyeol...loves him for real. Cause who would believe him, anyway? When the man that almost choked him to death the night before was holding on his waist so tight now, lovingly kissing on his temple in front of all their guests in the ballroom. Who would believe that the man who used him until he couldn't resist any more left him unconscious on the cold, bathroom floor two weeks ago for hours but tomorrow night would probably take care of him like he is the light of his eyes in front of their friends just to show how strong their bond is actually the greatest liar on this earth? Baekhyun loved Chanyeol so much that after a year of suffering, he started to accept his faith and only thought about the good times. He wouldn't think about how he found Chanyeol's assistant with her legs spread wide on their bed when he came home from the hospital one day, or about the blonde with a sharp voice from the next week. Or about the one with short hair. About the man who had a more beautiful voice than him or about the couple that left their house one day. He'd always think about the cuddles he received on a Friday night on Luhan's couch, at a party with their friends. Or about the dinners with Chanyeol's mom and sister, when the man would be embarrassed by his mother who was showing pictures of a kid with big, elephant ears and big, black eyes that would droll all the time. Or even about the quiet moments in their car when they'd listen to a love song on the radio. Baekhyun started to unsee the bad in their relationship only when the others finally opened their eyes.

Baekhyun used to only memorize their good moments together but now...every bad moment told by Chanyeol seemed like a nightmare to him. 

But after all, he was right. This is how Chanyeol knew to love. He didn't pretend to be in love with Baekhyun around others, that was the only moment when he could show it. They need to fear you, his father used to say. And all these years of being forced to turn his heart into an ice-cold stone only to be melted by the smaller made Chanyeol dispair. Between the walls of their bedroom, he had to show Baekhyun who is in control. He had to make him understand this his life depends on him and no one else so if he behaves if he becomes the doll that Chanyeol always wanted, nothing bad will happen. Acting so caring in front of everyone was indeed confusing for Baekhyun but that was the plan. In order to show the smaller his true self, the feelings he had, Baekhyun was supposed to think that everything was only a spectacle. That every loving kiss and kind touch were only for the public's eye. That every sweet confession was for everyone to hear, not for him and that he only deserved the cold, hurtful words he'd receive at night when his face is pressed against the mattresses of the bed and his body used as the older pleased when in reality, everything was completely different. 

There was no place in Chayeol's life for Baekhyun. There is no room for love between guns and the skeletons in the closet.