Sweet Like Cinnamon

Opening Up

Waking up it felt like getting hit with a semi but it was a feeling I was used to feeling, if I wasn't working I was drinking and on weekends I went incredibly hard, so this weekend wasn't any different. Stretching in my bed, I reached in my nightstand drawer for my water bottle and ibuprofen taking a quick swig and throwing the pill in my mouth.

"Okay Vae bae it's time to get the day started. Can't just lay around all day because you decide to be a dumb bitch again and drink double your weight in tequila; let's get you fed."  I hopped out of bed making my way to the kitchen.

"So today I need to go to the grocery store, the hair store, and the liquor store." taking a big bite of my cereal. "Luckily I'm taking a break from work so I can drink the days away for a while." I chuckled.

"Is that really the best idea?"

"WHAT THE FUCK!" I jumped, throwing the bowl in the direction of the voice, stopping from grabbing a kitchen knife when I realized I recognized the voice.

I turned around even more scared then if it was some stranger. I mean domestic violence is a thing.

"Can you please stop looking at me like I'm here to murder you." He sighed crossing his arms looking pissed off, like I broke into his house.

"I mean you are in my house without my permission... what else am I supposed to think?"

He sighed again "You seriously don't remember what happened last night?" I looked down at my still fully clothed body. "No we didn't have sex."

"Last night?" I rubbed my eyes trying to piece together last night. I remember getting home from a gig and drinking half a bottle of tequila, getting dressed in my newest outfit, going to the taqueria a few blocks from my house and eating a few tacos and downing a beer or two, and then going to the club. My eyes went wide when I realized what happened in the club and after the club.

"Ooooooooh shiiiit..." I said leaning against my kitchen counter.

"Yup."

"Wow...shit I was really messed up last night." I laughed

"Seriously? That's all you have to say? You made me sound like some perverted rapist who was trying to kidnap you; and that is all you can say?"

"I mean what do you want me to say?" I shrugged.

"God Nevaeh! You are so smart but sooo fucking stupid I swear. What do I want you to say? I don't know FUCKING SORRY MAYBE? Also a thank you would work. Y'know for not allowing someone to take advantage of you while you were shitfaced?"

I looked at him like he was crazy yelling at me in my own house. "And look at you now! Instead of focusing on why I'm yelling you are just focusing on the yelling part. Did I matter to you at all or was I just some dick?"

"Okay Professor X..." I said pushing off my counter "Well... sorry and thank you."

He walked away but instead of leaving like I hoped for, he took a seat on my couch and buried his head in his hands. "Why is this so hard for you? I don't fucking getting. I wish I could say it goes in one ear and out the other, you don't listen to me one bit. I love you so fucking much and I try to be better for you but you can't even do the same thing for me. Just tell me why and I promise, I promise with every fiber of my being I will leave you alone." He finished with his voice cracking.

I stood there dumbfounded for a couple minutes before making my way into the living room sitting on the coffee table in front of him.

I exhaled "I'm sorry Anthony. You don't deserve this, and I don't deserve you and when you told me you loved me I realized that. I'm so fucked up in the head I don't deserve to be happy."  He looked up and I noticed the tears on his cheek and that tore me up. "Being with you was the happiest I've ever been, and not just because you were someone who put up with my shit when they didn't have to. I have an awful attitude because I want to hurt people before they hurt me and besides my friends, my mom and Anastasia's grandparents I've never felt wanted by anyone. Yeah men want my body but that's it. Before I got raped and lost my baby I was already a mess, but once that happened I just felt dead and had felt that way until we got together... Sorry I'm not really good at all this emotional stuff. Anthony you make me happy, you make me feel like life is worth living. I was the worst girlfriend in the world and to be honest I made sure to play as if you were nothing more than some I slept with exclusively because I was scared you would realize what a fucked up person I am and leave me." I looked out my window when I felt my own tears slipping but he grabbed my chin and turned my head to look at him once again.