Hopelessly Broken

15. Guilt

4.22.20

I looked down at my desk while the teacher droned on and on in his monotone voice. I didn't even have any real friends in this class, so I couldn't pass the time by passing notes to annoy the teachers. Come to think of it, Jack probably isn't the only reason all of the teachers hate me...

"Devon!" the teacher, Mr. Evans, shouted, and I recognized that I had been spaced out. "I asked you where the punctuation in the sentence goes!"

I blinked twice and looked at the board for the first time in a while to see that the subject had completely changed without my noticing. "I don't know, sir," I responded smoothly because I didn't. The entire class snickered, and I think they were thinking that I was intentionally making a fool out of my English teacher.

Mr. Evans gave himself a massive face palm before returning to his teaching. I closed my eyes for just a few moments, but when I did, Eveline's stared plainly back at me. I can understand why she didn't come, but it still caused me pain even after the knowledge I had received.

Finally the bell rang out, and I raced out of that class as if there was a demon chasing me. Once I got out of the hell called school, I found the spot that I typically hang around Blake at. Sure enough, he was standing there, and I saw his face brighten up when he saw me. "Thank God. I was worried you would forget about me for the populars," he sighed in relief.

"Boi, do you even know me?" I asked playfully. "I could never just drop you for the super jocks and assholes! It's just... Jack and I are actually getting close, and we were trying to make me at least able to be friends with him at school. I don't think either of us were planning for it to work that well."

"Oh look at you getting all buddy buddy with him, huh. That's one I didn't expect, you two are like exact opposites."

"We're more similar than I thought," I murmured before putting my back against the wall. "I always had the impression that he was just entitled for no reason, but I was wrong."

"Never thought I would hear you admit you were wrong," Blake muttered.

"I'm not actually cold-hearted you know."

"I know."

I saw Jack exit the school, and I swiftly called out to him. He trotted over to us, and it was impossible to mistake the smile on his face.

"Hey," he chirped while grinning.

"I think I'm dreaming," Blake breathed before walking away from us.

"Come on, let's go home before we actually give my mom a heart attack," Jack suggested playfully. I nodded before we set out.

***

When we arrived at the home, there weren't any cars in the driveway or any lights on in the house. "Where are they?" I asked. The air was kind of eerie around here... It's making me feel a bit uncomfortable.

"I don't know. I think that they might be out looking for us, that seems to be the most likely option. I don't know where they are otherwise," Jack responded while pulling out his house key. The door swung open slowly, and we walked side by side into the house.

"Mom!? Dad!?" Jack called out. We were walking when I heard a nearly silent sniffle coming from a room I had never been in. I tapped Jack and gestured my head towards the door which caused him to turn towards it as well. Jack reached his hand out, and he pushed the door open with a hesitant hand. The sight that assaulted us made me feel bad for leaving. Jamie was passed out, crying, and possibly drunk considering the bottles surrounding her form. "Damn it," Jack muttered. "She hasn't done this since a few months after Maggie died..."

"This is my fault," I commented guiltily. "If I didn't have stupid feelings then this wouldn't have happened!" I slammed my fist into counter roughly, and the stinging pain made me cry out.

"Dev don't hurt yourself just because my mother is a mess right now! This isn't your fault; it isn't anyone's."

"You're wrong! I ran away just because a girl rejected me! I ran away and left her here to be crushed by the pressure! No matter what I do I always find a way to mess something up! Maybe this is why my parents left me? Was I a mistake?" I broke off at the end and went straight to fighting back tears. I can't cry in front of Jack again; I'm already weak enough in his eyes.

"No, Devon. You were feeling; feeling is natural! If you aren't feeling then you're either dead or a cold hearted bastard in everyone else's eyes. I don't care if you think you're wrong, but I won't allow you to end up like me. Your parents were fucking idiots for leaving you because you're pretty cool, Dev. I'm serious, talk to me, and for the love of God stop holding in your tears because I don't think you're weak." I clenched my jaw tightly. Whether or not he admits it, I know he sees me as a broken soul. Another person to fix. "Now help me get her upstairs to her bed."

Working together, we got Jamie into the bedroom with a lot of success. When I was walking back down the hallway, I noticed a door across from Jack's bedroom that I hadn't been in before. "What's this?" I asked while brushing a hand over the dark wood.

Jack appeared beside me and murmured, "This used to be my sister's room. I haven't been in here for a few years. At one point I also thought that the best answer was to blame myself and hold my emotions in too. Please trust me that it isn't." I shifted my gaze to his eyes to find that he was reminiscing on his past. "Believe me when I tell you that it's better to talk about it with someone else than to hold it in no matter how weak you feel saying it. Otherwise you'll become like me."

"It's just that... I've never known what a real family is supposed to behave like. I don't know how to give my trust into more than one person because I've never had the chance. I don't know how to be a good son or a good brother... I just don't know," I admitted. "I feel like I was being selfish by running away like I did; I mean your mother has other priorities than just me."

"Devon, she shouldn't have treated you the way she did either. Usually when your child calls you, you go out of your way to be there for them no matter what. Neither of you is in the wrong, but both of you blame yourself. Sure, you overreacted just a little bit; I won't lie to you about that. However, you're her child, and she should put you above all else just like she would do for me. My mother doesn't do the best job at listening, but that's just because she doesn't understand. Keep your chin up, Dev, no matter what. Like I said before, even when the world is against you, I'll stand beside you. That is, unless you hurt me, then screw you."

I giggled, and my bad mood was forgotten when I smiled at him for his kind words.