Life Behind the Curtains: $old. (Shawn Mendes Fanfic)

Chapter 33

He was right. Sleeping does make everything better. Only after a few minutes, I opened my eyes and everything felt different somehow. 

Better.

I can still feel the pain and guilt eating away at me, but at least now it's in smaller bites. Easier to deal with.

I looked at my hands and noticed a purplish bruise on my wrists from when Shawn caught me before I fell.

I haven't been able to get a word out, everytime I try to speak, but it's like sandpaper scratching my throat. And my eyes hurt.

My mind is trapping me inside, and I can barely see what's going on in the world- it's shutting it all out.

There's no way out. I'm just stuck in the darkness, forced to battle my thoughts.

It's lonely here. 

I miss him. In my mind, I'm only haunted by my memories and nightmares. My mind is horrid, I hate being stuck here.

What's worse is I don't even know how to get out.

I just want to hear something other than myself for once. I yearn for Shawn's voice, so much that I could care less if he was yelling at me or not, I just need to hear it.

I miss the real world. There is no difference between keeping my eyes open or closed, except for the fact that I get nightmares when I close them.

But sometimes I get so tired that I force them closed. Right now, something was different.

For the first time, I could hear a voice direct me to go to sleep. 

Was that- Shawn? It couldn't have been, I can't interact with the real world. I struggled to get a word out, anything at all.

"Okay," is the only word I could manage to get out before excruciating pain emerged from my throat and I groaned, closing my eyes.

Why do I have to suffer like this?

My nightmare ended and I opened my eyes, breathing heavily, but it was different.

I could see myself in our bedroom. This is just a figment of my imagination. This isn't real, it isn't real.

But it felt real. The white sheets under me,  the bright light above. This is just my mind playing tricks on me.

It knows how much I want to be here, so it is mocking me to make me feel more pain.

I feel like my mind is playing tricks again when Shawn stumbles into the room, bleeding practically everywhere- his wrists, his feed, and his shirt is bloody and a shard of glass protrudes from being wedged into his lower stomach.

Thank god this isn't real. If it was, I would probably faint.

He looks at me for a brief moment, but then his eyes roll back and he falls. I hear a thud and see his body fall right beside me. Tears cascaded down my face as I broke the physical barrier and threw myself onto the floor beside him. 

This nightmare is scary. I hate it, I hate it. Make it stop.

I touched his cheek, shaking him. Is this real? Please don't be real.

"I-" he groans as he passes out. Is he dead? God, he can't be dead. I reach for the phone and dial 911.

Even if this is a nightmare, I won't be mentally okay until I know he is safe. i can hear his heartbeat.

The moment I feel his blood on my fingers, I know this is real. My mind could never create such vivid imagery, a feeling so intense and overwhelming that it caused me to hurt this much.