Something Wonderful | K.NJ✔

Penance

Silence...

Silence so thick that I was holding my breath so I couldn't breathe it in, it was like smog that was filling the room.

"No hug? No 'hey sweetheart'?" She was speaking and all I could hear were the lies. "Okay.. well. Hi sweetie, it's been a while... like a year?" She was talking still. Talking and smiling, but I wasn't. I was standing, afraid to move. Why? Why now? Why here? Why? She sighed deeply, letting her arms fall to her side before she placed them on her hips. "Look Joon-bug, I know this is a surprise and maybe I shouldn't have come... but-"

"How did you find my room anyway?" It came out rough, like my throat was dry. It also sounded more harsh than I intended.

"I... I might have lied to one of the staff at the front desk, he recognized me and let me know what room you were in." She looked slightly ashamed but there was no regret in her eyes. "Joon-bug..."

"Please stop calling me that." I said just as roughly as before, through gritted teeth. The way the words sounded from her... I hated that pet name... I hated it and wanted to never hear it again.

"Okay.." She put her hands up like she was surrendering. "Look all I ask is you hear me out okay? I've played this scenario in my head like a good hundred or so times." She said as she moved back closer to the bed. She patted the spot next to her. "Come on. I promise... no more calling you Joon- Bu... that name. Okay? I just want..."

"What do you want? What possible reason could you have for being here? We're done, I'm not doing this again. There is nothing to talk about Sana. You left US!" I was starting to lash out, I needed to reign myself in before I took it too far.... Fuck it, this bitch hurt me in ways that have left me broken inside.
She said nothing, just kept her eyes on me.

"I have absolutely nothing to say to you! You mean nothing, you ARE nothing!" Good job Joon... let's just degrade her some more, cause that will solve everything. Fuck, I hate myself sometimes.

"Are you done? Can I talk now?" She asked, she was firm but not phased by my words. I was the one to sigh now. I nodded, stood where I was but nodded and let her talk. It wouldn't kill me to let her speak, right?

"I had hoped one day I would see you. I wasn't actually expecting it to happen, but I had hope. And not for reasons you might think. I know we're done Joon, I ended it... In the worst possible way at that. I've had a lot of time to reflect, and consider things I've done in the past. I'm not proud of the person I became Joon. I wasn't always like that." She said, shaking her head slightly. I could see it in her eyes, something remorseful was there... but it could all just be one big lie.

"I know you weren't. You were... fun, bright... full of life. When we were school kids you were always smiling, happy... It... back then I liked that about you. I liked you because you were you." I had a hard time remembering. Like my mind was suppressing those kind images of how Sana laughed, smiled, played as we were kids.

"Yeah I was... but then I became a version of myself that I thought I wanted to be." I looked at her, confused. Did she mean she turned into the bitch who left me twice? Cause.. I'd have to ask why the hell she thought that was the kind of person to be.
"I thought I wanted to be a wife. A mother. A daughter in law. I thought these things that every little girl is told about was what I was meant to be. A good wife to a husband who loved me and provided for me, a mother to multiple little children who would carry on the family name and a legacy that would end up meaning nothing to anyone." She sighed. "Joon, that wasn't me. Maybe somewhere deep inside you know that. I don't know why I tried to pull it off for so long, why I thought lying to you about it would make it go-away. Maybe I thought I could be that person for you... None of what happened was because of you Joon, I hope you know that." She sounded like she was hurt by the possibility that I blamed myself...