Love and Loss

7. I Can't Breathe

9:27 pm
Atlanta, GA
Deija

I was underwater.

My hair floated around my head as I laid with my back to the ground, my face to the sky. My eyes closed, my mouth closed, my breathing stopped.

I liked how it felt.

You know how it sounds when you go underwater. When the water fills your ears and all you can hear is muffled sounds of everything around you.

But if you go deep enough, if you quiet your mind, everything will go silent.

Everything around you.

Your brain.

Your thoughts.

It's all muted and the only thing you hear is your heartbeat. The only thing that reassures you that you're still alive.

And when your lungs run out of air, your brain makes you panic. But not me. For a split second I was at peace.

Everything was silent.

And then like always, I breathed.

Pulling myself out of the water, I laid against the back of the tub as I breathed in the oxygen my body so badly craved.

And though my lungs felt better, and my head felt heavier, I felt worst. The silence was gone, and the busy thoughts that I tried to escape were back, roaming around my mind.

Unplugging the tub, I pulled myself out of it, stepping onto the fuzzy rug as I wrapped a towel around myself. I walked to the sink, where I began to wipe away the condensation from the mirror until it was clear and I was staring back at myself.

Me.

Is that what I was looking at? Was that me in the mirror? It didn't look like me. I didn't feel like me.

The bruises on my face were finally healing. After two weeks of coconut oil and shea butter, the bruise around my eyes was finally light enough to cover with makeup. The cut on my cheek bone still looked nasty but was healing.

I pulled the towel from around my body and stared at the many bruises that covered my chest, stomach, and arms. I looked like a punching bag.

Was that what I was?

Is that all I was here for?

I'd often stare at my body over the last few weeks and cry. Not because I was in pain, or because I looked ugly, but because I just couldn't understand where my life went so wrong.

Everything was good. I was happy. I was with the man that I loved, starting a new chapter of my life, and growing my family.We were painting nurseries, buying clothes, talking about our future together.

And in the snap of a finger it was all gone.

Kya.

Cameron.

Me.

I was gone. Because somewhere along the way I lost myself. And that led me to Derek. My own personal hell.

Maybe I was meant to be here. Maybe this was the life god had planned for me. The life I deserved after everything I did to Cam. But I couldn't help but think how different my life would've been if we never lost Kya.

How different everything would be.

You're disgusting. His words flowed through my head.

You're worthless.

No one will want you.

Wrapping my towel back around myself abruptly, I walked out of my bathroom and across my empty apartment. I didn't know where Derek had been but I'm glad he was gone.