Never

Chapter 29

"Please talk to me." Pushing my clothes inside the big luggage Wendy's hand reached out on my hands, stopping them. I turned to her.

"Later." I said.

I saw how pained her eyes was, looking at me with confusion.

"Later? You need to tell me why you're packing the moment you came home, crying for God's sake!" I remained silent, I can feel her frustration through her touch. Her grip on my hand tightened, shaking the clothes out of my fingers.

"Let me understand atleast! Tell me your reasons, I'm your sister, don't you think I should know?!" She said in between her gritted teeth. Her soft features turned sharp, her eyes continued to survey mine, pleading me for answers. My heart broke seeing her like this, the way she looks at me right now reminded me of Sungjae.

'We don't know what's going on inside your mind, what you're feeling. You completely shut everyone out of your life.'

Recalling his words earlier, I breathed out, my lips shaking. Dropping my hands to the pile of clothes I grasped onto anything I can get my hands on and gripped on it so tightly.

I'm doing it again.

Visions getting blurry, my chest almost running out of air, my heart in torment. I cried.

"I-I'm sorry." Shaking my head I crumbled on the ground, my hands snaked to embrace myself. Looking down at my knees, tears fell continuously on my dress.

"Tell me what's hurting you, please." My eyes blinked out the large droplet of tears, flickering I raised my head slightly. Wendy pursed her lips, trying so hard not to cry with me, with wet eyes she forced herself to smile, her hands cupping my cheeks.

Gently drying my face, pushing out the fine hair stuck on the sides of my face. Her knees on the ground, trying to make herself level with me.

"It's gonna be oka-." She gulped and her eyes widened, trying to buy more time for her tears to fall.

"I'm not sure what's hurting you so much but I'm here with you. Hm?" She sniffed, her pursed lips pushing to the corners of her face.

"You're my dear sister, I'll understand." The more she tried to fight the tears the more it pained my heart. For the first time I saw her like this, she has always been the stronger sibling. She rarely cries in front of me, so seeing her trying to push her emotions aside pained me...it's like watching myself trying to isolate myself.

I couldn't contain my emotions anymore and pulled her in a hug.

"I'm tired of everything, I don't know where to hide and breathe." In a low voice I spoke. I told her everything that happened, from the start of my story she just listened to me while holding me in her arms, her hands immediately patted my back when I cried halfway of retelling her my story. When my story ended, I took a deep breathe, but my chest felt so small, so congested, so heavy.

"I want to breathe." I sobbed.

Wendy's arms wrapped around me, her comfortable hands ran along my back, trying to bring me security and warmth.

"And...you want to be away." She said in a definite tone.

I nodded on her shoulder. But I don't know where to go, when I arrived home all my mind could think was 'I have to leave', never fully knowing where I'll go.

"Then let's find a place where you can rest." No words can come out of my mouth anymore, it'll just turn into sobs. As tears streamed down at the corner of my face, drenching my eyelashes and skin I nodded.

——-

"New coffee table?" He dropped himself on the sofa, sticking his feet out. Before he could even touch my coffee table with his God forsaken feet I kicked his feet to the side.

"Ouch!" He whimpered.

"I let you in for us to finish our research, not for you to act like a slug." I looked down on him. He pouted and pulled out his laptop from his bag, placing it on my new coffee table, he looked at me and raised his eyebrows. 

"That's better." I smiled. I sat down with him, lifting my laptop on top of a pillow over my lap.

We immediately started with work, no chats in between, just our mouths shut, our eyes stuck on the screen of our laptops and our fingers typing. The sound of the keyboards click was the only sound audible in my apartment.

My apartment. It felt just like yesterday when Wendy brought me here, holding on to my luggage I went inside the massive room. It's all painted in beige with an accent of brown wood at each corners. Unlike my previous room, it isn't that grand but it is snug and comfortable.

It welcomed me.

The first few days of living alone was difficult, I had to learn how to cook more recipes by watching online tutorials, I had to clean my room by myself, have to do my own laundry, had to water the plants, had to make sure to lock my door, had to sleep alone and had to stop looking out of my window every time someone with a familiar figure passes, I had to stop looking at my phone every time my phone beeped, had to stop my fingers from typing their names, had to stop hoping, had to stop waiting for him to come, had to move on.

It's been a month, well going two and slowly I'm getting better. I started telling my sister anything, I started to join my block mates during lunch, I went to parties in clubs, I started having fun, met some new people, slowly my friends are growing, I eventually stopped thinking about him...at morning at least, so when I have no classes I go out with my friends.

Slowly, I started to open myself up. It's a good start.

"And...done!" A loud click resounded when Sungjae finished his part. I crossed my arms, leaning in the sofa for quite some time already, just waiting for him to finish.

"Wow, let me give you a gold star." I joked. He looked at me with irritated eyes.

"You know it isn't that difficult to say 'good job'." He whined. Chuckling I rolled my eyes. I could've finished his part in five minutes yet he took twenty. It isn't a job well done but in order to stop him from whining my face squeezed, my nose wrinkled as my eyes turned crescent, sarcastically nodding and tapped his shoulder.

"Good job." And just like a toddler he smiled instantly.

Seriously.

We rested on the couch. Our back just leaning on the sofa board, it's six in the evening. We're done submitting our papers to our instructors, it's a weekend tomorrow we both knew we only had one thing to do.

"Yah, wanna go to MoSta?" I kicked his feet lightly, just to get his attention. Lazily he turned his face in my direction.

"I thought you'd never ask." He smiled. We sprung our lazy bodies out of the couch and I got myself ready for a night out.

I looked at the vanity mirror and checked my face, picking up the black small tube of lipstick. I twisted it to reveal a bloodshot red color, applying it cleanly on my lips I smacked my lips.

Let's have fun.

Once we arrived on the busy streets across MoSta, my eyes wandered the street. We've been to a lot of clubs these past few weeks but by far this is one of the best one we've been to. The colorful festive streets brings me life, it's a place where you can leave your heavy baggages and just have fun.

My eyes stopped at a man owning a tall built figure, he towered talking to his friends.

I smiled.

Excitedly rolling down the window of the car, I waved my hands across the cold air.

"Yah! You're here!" I yelled at him. His round eyes looked around, hearing a familiar voice he tried to search for the owner in this crowded street. I giggled when he couldn't find me as he scratched his blonde hair.

"Over here Chan!"