Never

Chapter 39

Overwhelmed, I couldn't stop crying. I wasn't screaming or crying loudly, it's just my tears streaming out of my eyes as I continued to hold back my sobs from coming out.

"I'm sorry." He whispered, his lips gently pressing on the back of my hand. I could start to feel the wet patches on my skin, I looked at his handsome face gone red as his tear dropped on my hand.

"I th-." I gasped,trying to breathe in more air. "Why didn't you just tell me?" I asked him as I looked down to stare at his beautiful tearful eyes. Instead of answering me he pursed his lips and looked at me with lingering gaze.

Our gaze connected, when I looked at his eyes the more I drowned. My heart is hurting so much seeing him so miserable, his once upturned lips, his brimming eyes that would turn the corners of his eyes wrinkly when he smiled was nowhere to be seen.

He's in pain but so am I.

All my memories came back to me, the moment I first met him, when I started falling for his smiles, intentionally bumping on him to get his attention, I remembered my old self struggling to bake sweets and treats, burning my fingers in the kitchen, writing pages of letters that I didn't knew was just going to be thrown away.

Gradually getting my breathing back, my voice followed.

"You let me feel like I was lacking in so many ways, I hated myself because I thought you did, I started doubting and asked myself, am I not pretty enough? What should I change? My make up, clothes? How I act? What? Then I would fall asleep with the thought , ah maybe it's just me." He looked up and shook his head. My eyes started to get blurry once again. I looked up to widen my eyes so it would not fall.

"If you only told me what you felt back then." I whimpered, biting my lips. "I wouldn't be hurting this much." I smiled as the tears couldn't be contained in my widened eyes anymore and just fell.

"I never wanted you to feel so much pain." He straightened his body while kneeling, because of his tall waist he managed to level on my eyes. He let go of my hands and cupped my face, making me look at him straight in the eyes.

"Keeping you away from me was all I could think about, if you had stayed with me I wasn't sure I could make you happy, you'd end up broken like me-."

"Then you should've let me break with you!" I yelled dipping my head down as his hands supported me. My shoulders shrugged, slowly he positioned my head on his shoulder.

I could feel the warmth coming from his neck and strangely enough the loud beating of his heart.

"You selfish bastard..." My released hands turned into a fist and continuously hit his body. "Anything would've been better if I had you then." Gritting my teeth and hit him as much as I wanted to, he didn't stopped me or pushed me away instead he placed his hands around me as he let me hit him.

"Everything's my fault, I couldn't protect you from the pain." This time I sobbed loudly, grunting as I hit his body. I wanted to hurt him, to make him feel how tormented I am but I still love him. My punches began to soften as I just helplessly cried on his shoulder.

"The day I turned my back on you was the day I promised myself to walk out of my safe zone. For you, I was ready to try and let myself out." His shirt started to become drenched by my tears as my fist loosened until it opened and surrendered.

"I wanted to fix myself so I could face you again, this time as a man you can hug and not feel the shards of glass piercing through you, a man who can give you all the happiness in this world." His hands caressed my back, comforting my shaking body.

Hot air blew on my neck, I don't know if it's our bodies having a strange connection to each other but my hands started to return his embrace. I didn't care if my position hurts, I just want to be in his embrace and him in mine, so I pulled him closer.

"Why didn't you tell me everything earlier?" I asked, this time in a calm tone as I finally managed to regulate my breathing.

I wanted to know why he didn't bring any of this up when we met again, why did it take him so long?

"How could I tell you, when you hated me so much? I began to fear that you really moved on, that you hated me so badly already that I couldn't fix it anymore." I felt a pang of pain entered my chest.

"When I take a step closer to you, you take three steps backwards. The indifference in your eyes everytime you look at me, I was scared... that I'll lose sight of you if I take one more step. So I just watched you from afar, acted like your presence didn't affect me in the slightest and approached you when I perfected another act." I pulled back from his embrace and faced him.

"What act?" I asked.

With a smile he reached out for my cheeks and wiped them dry with his slightly wet palm.

"My act where I have to stop myself from confessing everytime your eyes smile, where I have to stop on my tracks when I wanted to dry your tears, where I had to hold my hands back from hugging you, kissing you and just to love you in secret." I parted my mouth and sighed heavily.

"Being selfless is a difficult task and one day I got tired of putting an act. I messed up and kissed you..." my eyebrows met at the center, quite offended when he said kissing me was a mistake. I was about to spat back but he spoke first and left me speechless.

"Tasting the milk from your lips." He softly trailed my plump lips with his thumb. My heart started to throb loudly that it scared me if he heard, my breathing went stable but then suddenly stopped when his hand caressed my neck.

"Holding you close to me, I figured I was done for, at that moment I never wanted to let go of you. You turned the tables and imprisoned me instead. The moment our lips met I didn't want to go back to my safe zone anymore." He closed his eyes and another batch of tears left his eyes and travelled on his sharp jaws.

"Then why did you let go of me, why'd you let me go out with Chan?" Confused my inner eyebrows rose.

"Why were you with Hana that day? How could you just let me walk away when you didn't wanted me to?" More questions escaped from my lips. The questions I wanted to ask for the past weeks finally came into the open and I was waiting for him to start answering.

His warm hands from my neck rose to my ears, covering them, he opened his eyes.

"You're my only weakness and I'm really greedy... that's all I can tell you for now." I shook my head in protest.

"No tell me. Why?" I need answers and he knows I do. Yet he remained on his knees, looking at my face as if he wanted to memorize every features of my face.

"For now I can't tell you...but I promise to make you happy for as long as I'm breathing, for as long as I'm holding your hands, for as long as my heart continues to beat for you. I love you."