Never

Chapter 47

"We went for a second opinion, third, fourth, hell I forgot how many times I had to pressure someone to tell me it's not happening to my brother, I wanted them to lie to me." Rubbing his temples, Kai sighed audibly and I can feel the frustration from his voice.

"That went on for weeks, until he told me to stop." The shaking tips of my fingers halted for a second.

What?

"Why'd he stop you?" I asked, my cheeks still drenched with tears. This time, I haven't ran out of tears anymore, my heart is breaking and I could only bear with the pain.

We were seated on the kitchen table, the dim yellow light illuminated the room enough for us to see each other. Kai raised his eyes to me and I just noticed how he looks like a mess in front of me right now.

"He was afraid you'll catch on, afraid you'll figure it out so he asked me to." My heart throbbed painfully as my eyes squinted in confusion.

How could I have known about it when I never caught a glimpse of him after I moved out? Which could only mean that-

"This happened before I left?" He was carrying this burden way back? How come I didn't noticed, how come... he didn't tell me?

He was suffering and I was too focused on my own pain.

"It started this year." Taking a sip of his glass, he winced when the vodka hit his throat. "Late February."

"It's August now." I exhaled, my fingers reached out for the cold crystal glass, reaching out for a drink.

"It's almost been 6 months and it's already to this extent. The doctors said it will possibly progress slowly but they can't be certain since it's undiagnosed!" My body jumped when Kai aggressively placed his glass down. He noticed my sudden reaction and shook his head, as if he wanted to clear his mind.

"Sorry." He apologized in a whisper. "I- I'm just too stressed these days." Silence followed after his words.

One could tell he is, his face is gloomy, his bloodshot eyes, there's no light in his eyes anymore.

A brain disorder that's yet to be fully studied, an ailment where the origin is yet to be traced, no tested cure, where doctors are still uncertain of everything, whether the disease would be cured or not, nobody knew. I understand why Kai's in this state.

"Why did he keep it from me?" The cold liquid dropped on the table as my hands trembled, holding the cold crystal glass of alcohol. Taking a small sip, barely enough to swallow but just enough to awaken my senses.

"I'm guessing he saw how people reacted after knowing his condition, he didn't want you to feel the same pain we did." His tired eyes shot up to me, my teeth chattered. Placing my glass down, I waited for his words.

"That's how much he cares for you." A warm sensation wrapped my chest but what came with it are thorn filled slaps.

"He wasn't willing to share the pain with you. How every night he'd feel like he's being separated from us because of the pain. Memories are being taken away from him slowly, his disease acted like a thief, when he experience an attack it'll just leave him confused and scared about which memory got taken away from him and what will come next, doubting if he's remembering a certain one correctly, he couldn't even grieve for that lost memory anymore because for his mind, it never happened."

"G-." I couldn't speak clearly anymore, the moment I try to speak, my throat's immediately blocked, my tongue coiled back, my eyes stinging even more as these damned tears won't stop falling.

Kai took one deep breath, but I could hear his breath wavering. One strong tap and it feels like he'd collapse in front of me.

"If it isn't too much, I have one favor to ask from you." I bit my quivering lips and raised my eyebrows, curious about the favor he's asking for the first time.

His sharp features turned soft and vulnerable. A sight that I'm not sure I'll ever be used to. Kai is the type of person that remained stoic no matter the situation was, he's the type to be always one step ahead, he never worried about anything so seeing him like this made me worry even more.

"Pretend that we never had this conversation." He closed his mouth momentarily to gulp, his shoulders drawing up quickly. My eyebrows shortly furrowed.

"What?" I asked.

"Don't let him know about what I told you. It's easy for him to tell anyone else about his condition but when it comes to you, it becomes a different story."

I nodded slowly, taking whatever Kai told me in my heart and eched inside my mind however...

"Wouldn't he remember what happened in the hospital?" Kai shook his head.

"He won't. He can only recall what happened before his attack he won't even remember having one, but each attack can only get worse. Slowly, the disease acts like a parasite eating away his distant and close memories slowly in an irregular pattern." I looked to the side, to the staircase going up to the next floor where his room is. Where's he's lying peacefully.

"His mind right now is unpredictable and is almost like a ticking bomb. But I do know that there's this one memory that he'll never let go of, and you're my only hope right now Sejeong because I know he loves you."

The corners of my lips became another passage for my tears, my heart is thumping so loud against my chest but instead of being happy, I felt an immense pain rise inside.

"Make him happy, I beg you Sejeong." I wondered how a broken person can smile and I just learned that one smiles to stop tears from falling.

In contrast with his smile, I broke down.

I don't want him to be 'just' happy though. What about his pain?

"I want him to be cured." I shook my head, my shoulders shuddered with my sobs. "I want my healthy Sehun back." I demanded like a child.

Dropping my head to the table, I didn't cry out loud instead I cried silently. The type of cry where one has to bite its lips to the point of bleeding, where one can feel it in your throat, holding ones breath, clenching ones stomach to not make a sound.

In the middle of my anguish, I felt a warm hand tap my back softly all so suddenly.

One, two, three

Patting me but not in the 'calm down' manner but in the 'let it out' way.

"I'll never give up, we'll find a cure." The pressure in between my teeth and lips loosened, my lips parted slowly, the salty liquid entered the corner of my mouth.

"We'll get him back."

As if like a bomb, my pent up anguish inside exploded in the room, I could hear my loud cries echoing inside, my throat narrowed but I managed to let my voice out. I screamed, acted like a hysterical woman with my head down, stomping my feet hard on the cold marble floor, my nails dug through my palms painfully but nothing seems to matter anymore, I just wanted to cry out loud.

Like an infant I knew why I'm crying, why I'm frustrated however I didn't know how to express everything I'm feeling in words. The only possible way to let my heart speak freely was to cry.

I acted like I owned every pain in the world once again, I didn't even force my way inside his eyes to find the suspicious bomb inside, I didn't care about anyone's pain but my own torment.

He said he'll be selfish but I was greedier...perhaps the greediest.

Everything around me felt like a ticking bomb.

But just like a ticking bomb, there must be a way to defuse it.