BTS stepbrothers - mafia

34. Realizations

**disclaimer: suicidal thoughts!**

"No no no no!". I screamed as I woke up from my dream, well nightmare. I look around me and found myself in my own room. I had managed to escape from Taehyung embrace last night after he fell asleep and left to my own room.

I have a huge headache from crying last night. After I went to my room last night and locked my door and laid down in bed, I cried for hours upon hours until I fell asleep at 6 am. I looked at my clock on the wall and saw that it was only 8:30 am, that means I have only slept for 2 and a half hours.

My nightmare was about me and my mom getting into a car crash and as I woke up, I hoped it was all a dream but I quickly made the realization that it really happened.

My mom is dead, she is really not here anymore. Wait she is really not here anymore. Omg, omg, omg she isn't here anymore. The real realization of her not being here has finally processed into my head, and I can't get it out of my head. I'm alone, I lost her.

Who is the one who is really going to take care of me now, with love, not hate? I'm forced to live with the Kims as Mr Kim is my legal guardian and I know for sure I'm not going to get the love I want in this house hold.

I need to find my freedom, away from them all.

My mom is dead because of Mr Kim, he is in the mafia. She is dead because the one who shot my mom is a rival of Mr Kim.

'But what if Mr Kim hadn't anything to do with it?'. My mind spoke. 'No why are you picking Mr Kims side, he is the bad man here!'. My mind started arguing again for the hundredth time. 'You can't just blame it on someone because you don't like them'.

That's right maybe it's my fault she is dead, I told her we should go home earlier, I drove us of to the abyss. It's all my fault. I shouldn't have driven us off the road. It's a mistake I will always regret.

Omg, it's my fault. My mom is dead because of me. I killed her.

I killed my mom.

I put my hands trough my hair as I was sitting curled up with my knees up. Tears started leaving my eyes again.

I killed her. I made us drive off the cliff. Because of these thoughts I started breathing heavily. I'm a murderer.

O gosh, o gosh, o gosh, I killed my mother. I'm the worst child to ever exist.

"I'm sorry mom. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to kill you". I sobbed stressed out. Did I really kill her? Do I have blood on my hands?

'No you didn't kill her! You panicked, you did what you had to and tried to save her to the very last moment! Don't blame yourself'. My own mind scolded me.

I'm going crazy again. I need to get these thoughts off my mind.

I started getting out of bed as I decided to take a shower, this will help clear my mind.

As I walked into my bathroom, I saw my reflection in the mirror and saw that I was wearing a black shirt. Oh shit, I'm wearing Taehyungs shirt. Ieuw, ieuw, ieuw. As soon as that realization came to my head I took of his shirt as fast as the speed of light. 

'Gosh girl, wear your own clothes'. My mind spoke.

"Okay stop overthinking, take a damn shower". I scolded myself as I prevented myself to get an inside argument again.

After I had taken a shower I was still having huge headaches, itchiness and cramps. The headache comes because I have cried myself in my own body weight, the itchiness is because of the wounds I got from the accident and the cramps is because my monthly friend is still around. The pain is too much to handle, I need some kind of medication or painkillers to lessen the pain. I looked around in my cupboard but I think I already ran out of them.