Freshman, a Diary | Completed

8. The Shame

April

Sunday

The following day, Sunday, my sister came to pick me up so we can leave for home.  The entire drive to Kwazulu Natal, I was thinking about Karabo, I felt like I was losing my mind. Lately, things were good between Sihle and I and I was starting to fall in love with him, now I don't know what real love is as Karabo is now the one in my head. Is this why they say you don't forget your first time, coz if so, I can't take it, I want to forget mine. I can't fall in love with Karabo.

The school break was just for 1 week, so Tshifhiwa and I decided to go home. I thought of telling her about losing my virginity when we were on our way, but I decided it was time I stop telling her everything that happens to me. She's my big sister, obviously, she will always find a way to ruin my already ruin life by trying to pep talk me. At this point, I haven't even told Zinzi. But I sense Tshifhiwa did see that something was different with me, and how could she not, she is a detective.

When we got home, everyone was back, and by everyone, I mean my big brother Tshilidzi as he's always the one not around. They didn't tell us he was around, It was a surprise for us. Suddenly a great feeling rushed in my body, we are travelling to Britain soon, that's what came in my mind when I saw him, I thought he has come to tell us he has finally completed his studies and we have to go with him for graduation. But well, as no one asks him about his studies, we are all in the woods. And the fact that he didn't say anything about it, it means he's still on it, studing.  At least he gets paid by his Scholar so great news to my dad.

I am having a good time, being with my family, forgetting about my recent problems, the week is going great. Although great, I sometimes feel a bit different, like my mom can see right through me that I am no longer a virgin, I am no longer her baby girl, I feel embarrassed when that feeling strikes.

I have chatted to Zinzi during this break, but never got the courage to tell her I lost my virginity. I talk to Sihle too, and boy he is in love, still happily counting down to our special day. What's bugging me now is that I haven't spoken to Karabo, he hasn't tried reaching me and that is slowly killing me. I doubt he has my phone numbers as I don't have his but he can easily get them, but I guess he doesn't care anymore, he got what he wanted.

The week ended and Tshifhiwa and I drove back to Johannesburg on a Saturday.

Monday

It's a Monday, the second week of April. Three weeks to go for Sihle to find out I lied to him. No matter what you do or wish to change, Monday is that day where you see everyone, including those you wish you could never see for the rest of your life. Well, this Monday was not going to be good for me, I guess I can say every Monday, or any day where I will find myself breathing the same air with Karabo, it won't be a good day.

I spent the whole school break trying to figure out how to get out of this one, but I still don't know how. Right now, I don't know what is going to happen when I see Karabo; hopefully, the ground will open, and I will find myself swallowed by it. Well, that's just a fantasy; I bet the ground will just rise to make me pop from everything around me just for Karabo to notice me. I have never felt so embarrassed in my whole life, and I'm just still in my room. What's going to happen when I'm outside, seeing Karabo, and Sihle, oh and here is Sihle, just continuing counting down for our day, how is it going to be special.

Sihle texted me that he was already at school and the reason we didn't see each other last night was that he arrived late from home, so he didn't want to wake me. I walked to the campus alone, though I wasn't exactly alone. I walked with some girl who is also doing Chemistry. She was talking too much, and I was just nodding through all the way. My mind was occupied, and I was just an empty ghost walking to school.