Freshman, a Diary | Completed

9. The Secrets

April

Monday

Please tell Jabu not to tell Sihle, I will talk to him myself. That was a text I sent Zinzi while I sit on my usual bench next to the biology building. I couldn't attend the rest of Chemistry lecture, so I missed it. Now Zinzi and Jabu know, my secret was no longer a secret; I had to tell Sihle before he hears it from someone else.

I told him. He won't tell him. And hey, before you tell Sihle, we must talk maybe I will help. You got a lot of explanation to do babe.

Zinzi replied, and I was a little bit relieved. It was tough to keep that secret from her. Now that she knows, it's better. I sat there, trying to figure out how to solve my messed-up life. I kept on asking myself how it got complicated so fast, I mean it just got better a few weeks ago now it's worse than it was.

I still can't believe Karabo is the guy from O-week though. How did he change, he really was nice back then, and now, and now maybe he is still nice, I just don't give him a chance.

I sat there and in few minutes people started piling up going up and down, some even sharing the other end of the bench I was sitting on, and then talking leaving me out like I don't exist. I sat there hoping to see Henson as I usually see him in this building, but today it wasn't my lucky day.

I found myself sitting in a biology lecture room, how I walked in was a mystery to me. So much was in my head that I didn't realise what was happening around me. Suddenly I realised, wherever Sihle is, he is already sitting waiting for his test he told me he has today. Who gives students a test on the first day after the break. I didn't even send him a good luck text. I'm the worst girlfriend of all time.

Hey babe, sorry I didn't make it back to Chemistry. I hope you do well in your test...xoxo I sent Sihle a text, being late is better than not sending at all right?

Zinzi joined me in a minute or so. She doesn't attend ILS102 with me, only ILS101, so I guess it was my court day.

"I asked Jabu not to tell Sihle yet. Are you okay? How did it happen?" Zinzi started the real conversation already.

"I don't know, one minute he was looking for his earphones and the next minute he was on top of me," I said, as I could feel the tears inside my eyes fighting to roll down, but I managed to keep them in.

"Why didn't you tell me during the week?"

"I didn't know how. I was embarrassed."

"Did he force himself on you? Coz if he did, it's a rap..." she said, and I stopped her before she could finish her unnecessary word. I don't want that shit in my life, nobody raped me, I liked it.

"No, he didn't, I wanted to as well. I knew what was happening. I was just not thinking clearly," I said, embarrassed.

"I still don't understand. I thought when Jabu and I left Sihle was still there, or did Sihle leave you with Karabo alone?" she asked, and well, Sihle did try by taking Karabo out of my sight, Karabo just came back on his own.

"No, they both left, but in an hour, Karabo came back alone. By that time Sihle was already travelling to UJ to pick up his sister."

"Why did you open for him? You know Karabo is a dog,"

"Well I didn't know it was him until I opened the door and when I did, he wanted his earphones I couldn't stop him from coming in. And I didn't think he would want to sleep with me and I would like it," I said, I feel disgusted by myself too.

"It's sex, what did you expect, is not easy to resist. But don't worry Tshedza, after this lecture; we are fixing your virginity," she said, and I nodded. Thank God, the lecturer was starting with his business; I wouldn't have survived Zinzi's interrogation. She quickly runs out before the lecturer goes any further.