the tour

Chapter 23

I wake up with a headache so I head to the kitchen for some water and panadol before heading back to bed. I walk back into the bedroom and Billie is sprawled out across the bed. I squeeze in beside her. "Water" she says with a croaky voice. I hand her my bottle of water and she downs the entire thing. "Food" she says. I giggle. "Demanding this morning, aren't ya?" I say playfully. She groans and makes her way to the bathroom. I order her some avocado on toast, good fats and carbs will help her feel better. She saunters out of the bathroom and back into bed. I'm sitting upright so she cuddles up to my legs and lays her head in my lap. I stroke her hair. "I said some stupid shit last night didn't I?" She asks. Not sure how to respond and wondering how much she remembers I simply say "You were alright".

——

On the plane. She sleeps and I write. It's kind of beginning to become a routine now. I start writing a song about last night and how it made me feel.
'It's not true. Tell me I've been lied to. Crying isn't like you. Ooh. What the fuck did I do? Never been the type to. Let someone see right through. Ooh. Baby, won't you take it back. Say you were trying to make me laugh. And nothing has to change today. You didn't mean to say 'I love you'. I love you and I don't want to... Verse 2... last lines: you didn't mean to say 'I love you'. I love you'.

I stop writing. Unsure if I feel better or worse about putting my feelings on paper. I don't know if I should show Billie this song. If she's not ready to say her true feelings to my face without liquid courage or sleep deprivation in the way, I'm not bold enough to be forthcoming with mine. I put the note pad to the side and start to let my mind drift into the movie 'Annabelle'.

——

We get to our hotel at around midday. Her show's tomorrow night so this is our last full night together. I can feel the expiry date of this whirlwind looming on me. I look out at the view. Every time I look out of a hotel window, the view changes but its always just as stunning as the last. I think these high end hotel rooms will ruin me and I'm not sure if I'll be able to settle for anything less in the future. I smile at the thought. Billie comes up behind me and wraps her arms around me. She rests her chin on my right shoulder. "What are you smiling about, beautiful?" I lean my head back into her. "I'm happy I took the plunge with you" I say. She spins me around so I'm facing her and I hug her, leaning my head into her neck. She's taller than me but not by much. I'd tower over her if I were in heels. We fit each other just so. She smells of vanilla.

"So, you wrote a new song?" She says softly. I swear I can hear her voice hitch at the end. She's talking about the song I wrote on the plane. I don't say anything so as not to ruin the moment. "Is it about... me?" She asks. I nod still leaning my head on her chest. She sighs and kisses my head. "I'm sorry" she says. I hate that she feels the need to apologise. She must regret saying it. I haven't even addressed my own feelings but to know she read them on a piece of paper instead of from my mouth pains my heart. Tears flow from my eyes. Everything I've been feeling, all the pressure, all the questions, all the doubts were building and I have to let them go. It's just that they come out in the form of tears rather than words. She rocks me back and forth. I hope she can't feel my tears. Lucky her hoodie is soaking them all up. "Hey hey" she says holding me tighter. "Come here" she says ushering me to the bed. I sit down and she's holding a bunch of tissues for me. I think she knows I'm crying now.

I'm so embarrassed. I didn't want her to see me cry. I sit up in bed leaning against the pillows. She sits cross-legged at my side facing me. I notice a wet patch on her chest and have to look away. "I'm sorry" I say. She frowns. "The song is beautiful" she says. "It's better with the melody" I say trying to distract her from the blubbering mess in front of her. "I'd love to hear you sing it" she says. I smile and look away from her. My tears stop. "I remember" she begins "I remember what I said before bed" I look at her and can see her eyes swimming in tears. "Fucking hell. I'm a dick" she says and wipes her face with her sleeve. Is she regretting what she said? She reads my face. "I don't mean it like that" she trails off. "Fuck!" She yells. "I really didn't want to cry" she says. I reach over to touch her knee to let her know I'm here. "Ugh" she takes a breath and then looks me in the eye "I should have said it to your face, sober, and not half asleep". Tears flow from my eyes again. I'm hoping I know where she's going with this. "I just feel like a fool. This is my first proper relationship with a chick and I've never felt like this with anyone. I've been doubting myself but I should've just listened to my heart" she looks down for a moment and then back up at me. "I... uh... I love you" she says as she searches my face for a response. I smile. "Well, you've already read what my heart is telling me" I say referring to the song. "I wish we had of just talked. I understand everything you're feeling. Truely" I say and take her hands from her lap. "I love you". She grins and it makes me laugh. I crawl onto her lap facing her. We kiss more passionately than ever before. I still have so many questions but I push them away and live in the moment.