the tour

Chapter 37

I head to the bedroom and crawl into bed. I wrap myself in the blankets and take my phone out. I have new followers on Instagram, strangers commenting on my photos saying both nasty and kind things, and the photos of Billie and I plastered everywhere. I turn off the notifications to Instagram. I can't comprehend what's happening. The notifications and strangers I don't care about but I do care about Billie's feelings. I feel crushed. Like I've hurt her but I know I haven't. As if he heard me, Harry calls me from FaceTime so I answer without video. "Kristina. Is everything OK?" He asks genuinely concerned. "No" I say softly. "Let me see you, I can't talk to myself anymore it's too distracting" he says making me smile. I turn my video on and his face drops. I'm crying, my eyes are red and my skin is blotchy. "Aww K. It's going to be OK" he says. "She's mad or upset. I don't know. But she's not talking to be and I feel like I'm the reason for all of this" I say assuming he's seen all the photos and articles. "Pineapple" he says simply. "Fuck your pineapple" I say getting crabby with him. "For real, she's just told the world that she's gay and in a relationship. For a pop star who's been private about their life and not even showing their body to the world, it's a big deal. She probably just has to wrap her head around it. Yeah you're part of the reason but you're not THE reason" he says reassuring me. "Tell me about your latest dick conquest" I say wanting to stop talking about it. "Oh my god, I thought you would never ask!" he says and begins telling me about his latest hook up and Tinder conversations. It puts me in a good mood.

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At about dinner time, I knock softly on the door. "Yep" she responds in a tone a don't recognise. I open the door a fraction and see her sitting in her computer chair with her headphones on one ear and frowning at the screen. "Billie?" I approach her and she doesn't look at me so I stop myself from going further. I sit down on the beanbag in the corner of the room and contemplate what I'm going to say. "Billie... I..." I start feeling the awkwardness of the room. "Kris, it's not you, you know that right?" she says now looking at me. I don't say anything because I don't believe her. "Kristina?" she says and I stare into her eyes, "I just didn't want it to come out like that. I hate how the media controls my life like that. If I wanted to come out to the public, I wanted to do it on my own terms. Fuck, I just came out officially to my family last night. Now everyone knows!" she says rubbing her hands over her face and pulling her headphones so they are hanging around her neck. "I know, baby" I say softly. We sit there in silence for a moment. "So, that audio you sent me..." I start to say. She doesn't answer me so I push her chair with my foot. "Yeah, what about it?" She says pulling her headphones off her head. "Hear me out, OK?.. when I heard it, I pictured you staring down the camera and just taking layers of clothes off. Not getting completely naked but enough. And then at the end, you disappear into water as if you be drowning" I tell her. She stays silent for a moment before turning to me. "I like it. Not the naked part because you know how I feel about that but the taking off of layers. It's... Fitting" she says.

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Billie organises for us to head to the studio and film the video for her spoken piece 'Not my Responsibility'. She's run the idea past Finneas to get his opinion but she chose not to invite him because she would feel awkward stripping in front of him. Her manager has set up the whole thing including a filming and editing crew. While she films and helps edit, I write songs.

Billie let me use her studio yesterday and I record myself singing the new songs I wrote. I sometimes feel that the song would be more powerful when presented with my full vision including singing, instruments and even back up singing. When I present Tony the songs, he is blown away. One in particular is 'problem with you' which was Billie's favourite as well. Tony is in shock. I've told him I was a singer before but since I never wanted to pursue it, I never thought it necessary to show him my recordings. Billie has been my hype girl and she's given me the confidence to explore that avenue. Tony emails the song immediately to RBMG Records.

Before I know it, Tony is on the phone to Scooter Braun and demanding that I come in to record the song professionally. Surprisingly, he agrees and makes an appointment for me tomorrow since he has Bieber in the studio today. Billie is super excited for me to record the song. She thinks I should show the team some of my other demos and see what they think too. To be honest, this was not what I originally planned for my trip to LA. It's not that I'm rejecting the idea at all it's just that I went from not showing anybody my songs to recording a song. It's a weird concept that I can't seem to get my head around but recording with Scooter and his team was surreal. He treats me like a real recording artist which I have never thought of myself as. I sit down to talk about the melody, lyrics and overall concept and they nod enthusiastically. Once they hear the demo, their faces light up and they immediately want me in the recording booth.