To Love Irrevocably [18+]

Chapter Thirty-Two

We spend our Sunday at the house. It's still cold out, but my house is filled with nothing but warmth as all four of us sit in the living room. A deck of cards sits scattered after Dustin threw them down from losing spades again. An old Monopoly box lays on the floor, packed away after two long rounds where Seren won both times.

Things feel good. Even the niggling in the back of my mind can't take this moment away from me. Seeing Seren fit right in with my family makes my entire being feel elated. I have a hard time pulling my eyes away from her laughing face.

Last night, she had cradled me after I broke down in front of her. The way her hands felt while rubbing my tears away is something I won't forget. Her comforting words still keep me grounded. While years of torment won't be erased so easily, I bask in the reminder that I have someone who's willing to hold me when I cry.

Someone who lets me cry without feeling like less of a man.

"Jesus, I need to sleep. I've got a double shift tomorrow and at this rate, I'll never be able to lie down." My mom laughs as she stands from her spot on the ground. Stretching, her bones emit an audible crack. "Oh god, I forgot you guys were planning to drive back tonight."

"That's because you're an old lady," Dustin teases, a small smile on his face. He flinches as my mom reaches down to swat at his shoulder.

"Hush, child." She shakes her head, but doesn't hide the smile on her face. When she turns back to Seren and I, she frowns. "This weekend passed by too fast. I worked for most of it."

Our movements are simultaneous as Seren and I stand up. Both of us capture my mom in a hug. My body relaxes as I settle in the loving arms of Frannie Anstein. It'll be heavily missed when we get back to the city.

"Please drive safe tonight. And y'all know you're always welcome to come back anytime, okay? Oh, I'll miss you so much." My mother's hold tightens around us, pulling us in closer. "I want to see you guys off, but I'll really be dead on my feet if I don't go to bed now."

"It's okay," I tell her, smiling. "You sleep, mom. This isn't the last time you'll see us."

"I know." She scoffs, pulling away from us and wiping her nonexistent tears. "Doesn't mean I can't be a little dramatic. Okay! I'm off. I'll call you on my break tomorrow, Sutton. And, Seren, I'll be taking you up on the shopping offer one of these days soon."

I watch my mother bounce off to her room. When the door closes with a soft thud, I settle back down. Seren bends and whispers in my ear, telling me she's going to make sure all our stuff is gathered. When she's gone from sight, I catch the eyes of my brother. He stares at me with a dopey smile on his face, eyebrows raised and arms crossed.

"What?" I ask him, furrowing my eyebrows and glancing around. "What are you staring at?"

Dustin shrugs. "You. I've never seen you look this happy before. It's obvious your girlfriend is the reason for that."

My cheeks flame at his words and I give him a small smile. It must be obvious then. "She's amazing."

"Justine also told me what happened at the diner today."

"Who is Justine?" I rack my memories for any mentions of a Justine from my past.

"New owner of the diner. You know Martha passed away a couple of years ago. That's her granddaughter, didn't grow up here," Dustin tells me, scratching his blonde hair. "Anyways, she told me about Dean Carson giving you a hard time. Says he called Seren a bitch, and you didn't look too hot there."

Not wanting to rehash what happened, I shake my head and give him a teasing look. "Is Justine your girlfriend?" I ask, hoping this is enough of a topic change.

Dustin sighs and shakes his head. The smile drops from his face and all of a sudden, he looks tired. The happy-go-lucky Dust I know is nowhere to be seen. Before me is a man with heavy responsibilities and a life tied in a town I know he wanted to leave long ago.

"It's not easy knowing my baby brother dealt with so much and there was nothing I could do without them coming back harder. If I could turn back time and switch lives with you, I would." Dustin gives me a thoughtful look, his lips pressed together tightly. "But I know that things happen for a reason. You're you and you left this place. If we switched lives, you'd still be here."

Contempt clouds his face. This is a man who's settled, a man who's now just tolerated his existence. I never knew or realized how ready Dustin had been to leave Crystalwood. He was ready to go to college and start his life anew, maybe continue football and go to the NFL. By now, he'd have a wife and a couple of kids, possibly getting ready to retire.

But he's stuck in the trap of small towns. His good heart didn't allow him to leave our mother alone and struggling to pay the bills. That would've meant leaving me too. We've never had amazing things growing up and I can't imagine where we'd all be now had Dustin gone to college. The roles would've been reversed. I'd be stuck here, and he'd be out there.

Movement causes me to escape my mind. Dustin stands to his feet and stretches. The smile is back on his face, but it doesn't reach his eyes. It's not a real Dustin smile.

"I don't regret a thing, Sutton Avery. I really don't." He holds his hands out and when I grab it, he pulls me up and into a hug. "Things are how they need to be, you know. This is where we're meant to be, so don't go feeling guilty for continuing your education or for getting a good office job and a pretty girlfriend, okay? It's your time to live."

He gives a hard pat on my back before pulling away. His hands grip my shoulders before he walks off. Staring at my brother's retreating form, I allow his words to fill me. Instead of focusing on negativity, I focus on the command to be happy with my life. It's between the lines, but it's there.

Seren and I leave an hour later. We're prepared for the long drive back. I saw my brother a final time before we left. Rather than hurt and sadness at leaving my hometown, I'm just content. Despite those few run-ins, this was a pleasant visit.

The next day at work, I'm dead on my feet. We didn't get to Seren's until midnight since we left so late. Afterwards, we took some time to wind down and enjoy being back at her place. That included a few hours of moans and groans. I don't regret it, but I'm sore and tired.

Amy is still ignoring me, but now I don't care as much. Things feel different now. Because of being back with real jerks and talking with Seren, I know what toxic looks like. Not that Amy is, but I can't help but feel like her attitude is manipulation. Before, I'd feel like I needed to go back to her and apologize for... whatever she's upset about.

Not anymore.

I don't need Amy. Our talks were nice and once I got past her loud personality, I enjoyed her presence. But I don't need her.

Sitting before the bright screen of my work desktop, I take a moment to enjoy this feeling. It's something new, but still gratifying. Whatever it is, I just know that I'm fine. For the first time in a long time, I feel like things are going to be okay. I'm going to be okay.

I am okay.