how it feels to be alive {tom riddle}

thirteen: feelings

FEELINGS

The days continued to pass by in a blur, and Tom was beginning to feel uneasy.

He had never had a problem manipulating someone to get what he wanted, in fact it was something he had always enjoyed and prided himself on.

But as he tried to figure out a way to get Lucia to bring him to Hogwarts with her despite her insisting it was a bad idea, a wave of an obscure emotion washed over him.

It was then he began to think about who he was. And who he would become.

Tom had been meddling with time for a while before he arrived at this time period. After charming his way to obtaining a time turner he had visited the Medieval Era, where muggles feared wizards deeply. He had roamed the 1700s when the Wizarding world had decided to withdraw themselves from public view and into the shadows. He had manipulated everyone in his path to get what he wanted without a second thought.

It was all he knew, it was all he had ever done, and all he would ever do.

Tom couldn't help but wonder, what would Lucia think when she found out who he truly was?

Anxiety stirred in him every time she brought up his future self. He always found a way to chuckle and avoid her gaze, then change the subject quickly.

But he had a gut feeling that there would be a time when she found out. After all, it was inevitable. His name was littered in anything to do with modern magical history.

Was he proud of what he would become? He couldn't be sure.

Part of him desired deeply to feel the power soak through his veins as every witch and wizard trembled with fear at the sight of him. He felt drunk with the thought of it. After all, this was the eternal feeling he was seeking to regain for his future self.

But as he looked to see Lucia's sleeping figure in the bed beside his own, a painful tightness swelled through his body. Guilt? It was such a foreign feeling that he didn't know what to do with himself.

Lucia had revealed some of the darkest parts of her life, become more vulnerable to him than she had to anyone else before. Yet she knew only select parts of his past, and nothing about his future.

Feeling flustered and uncomfortable from all these feelings, he ripped off his covers and headed for the bathroom.

After shutting the door, he pulled his shirt over his head and leant with his hands clutching the basin so hard his knuckles turned white. He met his own eyes in the mirror, and focused on taking long and deep breaths to calm the tightness under his ribcage.

After a few moments he pushed himself back upright and turned the taps of the shower on.

As steam filled the bathroom, he inhaled it deeply to feel the warmth of the calming air wash right through him. He removed the rest of his clothing and stepped in, letting the warm water rain down on him harshly and even out the temperature of his whole body.

At this moment, he had never felt more human. He didn't feel like a lord, nor a powerful sorcerer, or even a wizard at all. Instead, he felt conflicted, overwhelmed and anxious, with many other foreign feelings swimming around inside him.

He let the water run over the top of his head and down his face, causing his dark curls to fall over his face like dark reeds licking at his skin.

He heard a knock on the door, "Tom, are you okay in there? It's pretty early to be up already." Lucia's voice came softly through wood and into the steam.

"Sorry if I woke you up, I couldn't get back to sleep." He replied honestly, draping his hands around his neck in attempt to release some of the tension he was holding there.