THE DEVIL'S AFFECTION

24. ALL I NEED

          AS WE LAY in bed now, I'm wearing one of his t-shirts since I never like to sleep naked. It goes all the way down to my knees.

I find myself in a troubling trance again. Hanes is watching the TV and I'm watching him. I don't know what it is about him that I find so intriguing. I want to be around him all the time. I want to be his and I want him to be mine. It just can't be that way. It can but it shouldn't. It would ruin the both of us.

He sits up against a pillow propped up on the headboard and I lay flat. I'm trying to fall asleep but my mind keeps drifting to him and the way we could be. I feel like his love would feel the best because it is so hard to obtain. It would be special — something very few people get to see.

"Hanes..." I speak out quietly.

He looks down at me.

"I thought you were asleep, dandelion."

The "dandelion" makes my heart hurt that much more. I've forgotten what I was going to say. Did I even have anything to say? I just wanted him to pay attention to me.

"Can you... lay with me?" I feel a shiver of discomfort follow my request. Having to ask makes it feel strange. I just want it so badly.

I can tell he's taken back a bit by my request but he promptly shuts off the TV, leaving the room to complete darkness as he shuffles in the bed to lay next to me. I can't see him now; my eyes haven't adjusted in the dark.

I feel his hand reach out for my face as his fingertips graze against my cheek and he feels to cup my face in his hand.

He shuffles closer in the bed and finally, I can make out his silhouette. His thumb gently caresses my cheek as we lay in silence.

I feel strange — this feels unnatural for us. Yet, my gut is buzzing with butterflies. I just want to be held. For the first time in a really-really long time, I want to be held.

"Hanes..." my voice is so quiet, it nearly breaks. "...can you hold me?"

"Of course, I can." He moves in and wraps his arms around me, sliding one underneath me and another over me. I move in and wrap one arm around him while sliding a leg between his.

Oddly, I feel safe. Maybe it isn't that odd. For me, finding comfort in anyone holding me is strange. I feel like we are the only two people for miles, right now. Nothing could come in and hurt me. Nothing bad could happen while he holds me like this — I think.

He nudges his head in, resting just inches from mine. I get the urge to kiss him, but I don't. I can feel his breath against my face. I can feel his chest slowly rising and falling.

"Go to sleep now, baby." His voice is soft, sweet and the way I'd imagine it would always be if he loved me.

He'd be so sweet to me all the time. He'd hold me in his arms as I tucked mine under his coat and around him while we waited to be able to cross the street. He'd bring me coffee and breakfast in the mornings — or we'd go out and split pancakes. I'd tell him stories that I've already told and he wouldn't stop me just because he liked to see me get excited to tell it all over again. He'd bring me flowers, just cause and not because he felt sorry about anything. He'd ask what I wanted to do and we'd go do just that. It would be us. He'd know there was an us. When he came home, I'd give him a kiss and he'd be sweet because, even in the hardest parts of his day, he'd know he'd be able to come home to me.

I think all of these things — romanticizing him — even though I know none of them would be true. He's only nice sometimes and even then, it's distant. Nothing would change. The man doesn't change with the relationship. The only thing that changes is your faith in them. 9 times out of 10, your faith is broken and you realize that you never should have trusted them in the beginning. Men are disappointing, I've come to find. Everyone is disappointing.

"Viv?" His voice questions softly.

"Yeah?"

"Stop stressing out about whatever you're worried about. We'll figure it out in the morning."

How did he know I was worried about anything?

"I'm not... don't worry."

"Your breathing is shaky. It's always shaky when you're stressed out." He points out. I hadn't even noticed. "Just sleep now and we will worry about it tomorrow."

I take a deep breath and snuggle up closer to him.

"Okay," I sigh. His attention to my little ticks and mannerisms makes my heart melt. I hadn't even noticed that I did that, but he knows. He pays attention. Why must he be so lovely sometimes? It makes it hard for me to stay distant.

"Goodnight, Hanes."

"Goodnight, Viv."