THE DEVIL'S AFFECTION

46. SET YOUR GRIEF ASIDE

MY EYES FALL to my body once more. I can't comprehend the words that came from his mouth. But I'm here — my body is here — I'm alive. He's here, he's real. How am I dead already?

"What?" My voice breaks.

He takes a deep breath; his tears a never-ending stream of sorrow.

"You've been dead a long time, Ellie." He cries, the words coming off of his tongue cause my head to spin and my body to feel loose around me.

"I don't understand... how... no... what do you mean?"

"My real name is actually Hades, it's not a coverup. You were just a spirit that came to me like everyone else. I didn't know you."

My mind refuses to accept any of this as true. My experiences are real. My life is real. I'm real. I'm alive.

"You were dead when we met. You'd been dead a long time and I created this facade so that you'd stay by me. You were a soul floating among the many. I picked you out of the bunch and restored your life." He chokes on his sobs slightly, wiping the tears from his eyes just to let more fall. "You had a life that would make me... pretty much your only option—best option." He takes a deep breath. "I know I was wrong to bring you back like this; after you'd found peace. I know how horrific I am but I was so lonely... it's so lonely here and I needed someone—anyone."

I feel sick, my entire body aches and I feel like I can't breathe. None of this can be true. The memories I made felt so true. This place feels real. He feels real. I feel real. How is all of this a facade? I don't have an explanation for the dog but I can believe that better than me being dead.

"I—" I struggle to speak, so completely dumbfounded by everything he's said. "No..."

"Look." He lifts up my shirt and wipes one of my scars with his thumb, it disappears as his thumb swipes over it. "I created you — this body; I made it up."

"What? You aren't making any sense. None of that makes sense. I'm alive!! I'm alive!" I cry.

He shakes his head.

"Then when did I die?! I don't remember dying?! How did I die?"

"You drowned." He admits. "You were in that car with your parents when they went off the cliff and drowned. You were moving back home after you left... your life in the city."

"No..."

But as I think about it, I get a snapshot memory of my mother's face in the rear-view mirror. Her smiling eyes look back at me as my father says something that I can't remember. He swerves and my mother braces herself, her screaming is silenced in my mind but I can see her mouth opening wide for a painful, shrieking scream. My father just looks to my mom, his hand out to protect her but there's no use. His arm isn't going to stop the car from filling with water or the impact of hitting the water. The memory fades before the car hits the water but I remember it.

I take a sharp breath that's shaky as I let it out. Tears stream down my face as sobs leave my mouth. I can't control my mourning over my own life.

I died that day.
I'm dead.

I was leaving my life as an escort; I was starting over. I could have had a great life but I died before I even got the chance.

"But if I left then why did I return as an escort all over again?"

Hanes looks down, his chin shaking. "I thought that would make me seem better... like I was saving you from it."

All of the tears he shed for my pain were guilt, not sympathy. He wasn't shocked; he just saw the result of his creation. He brought me back to a life that he knew would leave me without any other option but to stay with him. He brought me back to a life painful enough that I'd think that life with him was great.

My breathing is heavy now, my sadness and grief mixing with my growing anger and hate.

I hated him for the way he took advantage but to find out that he was using me all along makes my hate grow so strong that I could kill him right now. But I can't. I'm not alive to do it.

"You..." My voice is low and accusing — rightfully so.

"Ellie... I didn't know. I swear I'd never do it, now." He quickly tries to back up in defense.

"No." I huff and nearly heave, my frustration taking my breath away. "You don't... you don't get to defend yourself. You're sick! You're... oh, my God..."

I crawl back to get away from his grasp. I don't want to be anywhere near him. I can't be anywhere near him.

"I didn't mean for you to get hurt... I only restarted your life."

"You put me back there after I finally got out. How dare you."

"I didn't let anything else happen to you when I brought you back. I wouldn't let anything else happen to you. Ellie, please—"

"—No!" I snap. "You don't get to call me that. You created, Viv. You don't know me... you don't get to call me that. You don't..." My sobs take over and I curl up in the snow, the feeling of the cold no longer bothering me. The feeling simply fades with every other feeling I can sense.

He takes a shaky deep breath and I peer out to see him crawling closer. I sit up and back away.

"Don't come near me!! Don't touch me!!" I scream.

"I'm not going to hurt you!" He cries.

"Not going to hurt me?!" I complain, tossing my head back. "Hanes... Hades... whatever the fuck your name is... you used me, you're just like them. You've hurt me more than a hundred man could in my living life."

He seems hurt by my words but they're true. All of this time I thought he was saving me from a terrible life, he was the one who had brought me back to it all.

"Please, Ellie... I didn't know it would turn out like this. I didn't know it would be like this. I've never had anything to love."

"You're a horrible, despicable man. And I hope you rot here for the rest of your life... however long that lasts."

He shakes his head. "I don't want a life without you. I don't want another minute without you. Please, I can't bear it. I can't bear to be alone, not again. I can't live a life without you." He sobs, reaching out for me but I move away as he does.

And through several more attempts to hold me, I move away each time; screaming for him to back away.

"I never want to see you again. I'd rather be mindlessly dead than live with you in this life you've created. I'd rather burn forever than have to be with you for another second," I spit.

The pain is so clear on his face but I don't care. He needs to suffer as I have but he will never know my suffering. He will never know the pain he caused. It's as he said, we will never be even.

"You brought this on yourself." I get to my feet, struggling to stay standing at first. "I hope you rot in this hell that you've created. Whatever is coming for us... I hope it ruins us both."

I stumble away, leaving him in the show and sludge with my words as I meant them. I feel faint, sick, hurt, confused, shocked, depressed and heartbroken.

The man I believed I was beginning to love more than I hated, was lying all along; and I'm dead.

I can't breathe.
I feel like I can't breathe.