THE DEVIL'S AFFECTION

38. IN A NAME

"Viv..."
"Viv..."

I snap awake to see Hanes' concerned face over me. My heart is still racing as I grip the sheets around me.

It was a dream.

"Oh my god..." I grasp my chest.

"Are you okay?" Hanes asks concerned.

It all felt real. It's teeth tearing into my chest and tearing my limbs out of their sockets. I can still feel the agonizing pain.

But I choose to lie. "I'm fine."

He pulls me in closer, pressing his face to my cheek. His touch calms me, reminding me that this is reality. This is what's real. I think what's scaring me the most is the unknown.

"There's nothing to be scared of." He lies.

"Hanes... there's so much to be scared of."

"Nothing is going to hurt you here." He presses his lips to my jaw, kissing it.

"You can't promise that." I sigh.

"I'm not gonna let anyone hurt you."

"You can't promise that." I repeat.

He props himself up a bit with his elbow. He looks down at me with a soft expression.

"You don't believe me?"

"I just know that unexpected things happen all the time and sometimes you have no control over what happens. How this all happens has nothing to do with you allowing it or not."

He looks down for a moment, probably realizing that I'm right.

"I just wish I knew what was happening so I could try to help or at least... prepare for it." I look into his eyes.

I know he wants to tell me, I can see it in the way that he looks at me now. It would probably take some of the weight off of his chest; the weight that I can tell is so heavy.

He goes to shake his head but seems to stop part way.

"A lot of people are mad at me." He admits. "So mad that they want to ruin things that... I care about."

I can tell that much. I can tell he's choosing his words very carefully.

"I'm not supposed to... have any relations with you. They know that and they know that they can just as easily take you away from me as you came to me."

I'm a little confused by what he's trying to say. He's being to cryptic.

"Why aren't you allowed to be with me? Is it because I'm an escort?"

He shakes his head. "People like me can't have relationships with people like you."

My face furrows and I become disgusted with his comment.

"Well, if you think that little of me then let me go." I turn over, facing away from him as I jerk the covers up over my shoulders.

"Viv... that's not what I meant." He is quick to try to fix it. "You know I think so highly of you. It's not because of anything like that. I just... they don't want me having any sort of relationship. It's not fair to you or safe."

I stay silent, trying to extinguish my growing anger.

"Viv... please..."

"Arabella." I correct him.

"Hm?" He questions.

"That's my real name. I'm sick of all the secrets so there it is."

My name now feels foreign on my tongue. I feel more like Vivienne than Arabella. The only person who ever called me that was my father. The full four-syllable name — Arabella. I'm beginning to forget what it sounded like in his voice.

He pauses for a moment, silence lining the room.

"That's a beautiful name." He finally says. "I wish I had picked it out myself."

I shrug. "Everyone used to call me Ellie." I hated being called Arabella. It always felt so pretentious to me and if I was called it by anyone but my father, I was in trouble.

"Even better." He leans over and kisses my cheek.

I know there's no point in being angry with him. And I know that's probably not what he meant but whatever he meant by what he said was hurtful, nonetheless.

"Please, don't be angry with me." He pleads softly. "I care about you so much and I know I'm not good enough to have you but while you're here with me, I want to cherish you." He kisses my shoulder.

I turn over and look at him. "I know you could find a million other women with a better head on her shoulders to be with you. I never wanted to hear you say that, but I know that it's true."

"That's not what I meant. I really can't even tell you why and that's why I worded it so poorly. It has nothing to do with you, trust me. I just know that me having you around isn't fair to you. I've known it all along and I took advantage of it at first, I'll admit that. Now, you're in the thick of it with me and all of this is happening because I was a selfish prick. I'm so sorry."

He looks deeply apologetic and I can tell he really means that. What man hasn't taken advantage of me in my life? Aside from my father, the answer is none. But at least I've known this for a while. I'm just glad he's changing, realizing his mistakes.

It's not that I regret meeting him or staying with him. The truth is, I don't. Maybe it's because I have no one else, but I have really grown to care for him in ways that I didn't think I could. He hurts but he's hurt. That's how this works. I guess I was meant for a broken relationship like this; if you can even call it that.

"I'm not mad, anymore. I'm just frustrated." I admit.

"So, you don't hate me?"

"I care enough about you to have enough love to overshadow my hate."

He doesn't reply but instead nuzzles up close to me again, his face once again laying against my cheek.

"Goodnight, Ellie." He whispers softly. My name rolling off of his tongue feels strange but better.

"Goodnight, Hanes."