THE DEVIL'S AFFECTION

49. BREAK MYSELF

          I STARE BLANKLY at his sleeping face lying across from mine. The night has caused the bedroom to be as dark as it gets. His face has lost some of its rigidity but it's still not as peaceful as it had been in the beginning.

After crying on the living room floor for what felt like forever, Hades brought me up to the bedroom and we both went to bed. He has kept his distance from me in the bed although he has slowly gotten closer as he shuffles in his sleep.

I don't know what to make of anything I've been told today. I still can't see Hades as any more than a man — in my eyes, he's no god. And it's strange to be told I'm dead but still feel alive. Every part of me right now tells me that I'm a living human. I need to eat, I need to drink, I need to sleep. I even need to breathe.

I test out holding my breath, wondering what will happen if I hold it too long. You can't die a second time, can you? Well, I guess if Hades recreated me as as a human with all the needs of one, I could return to the dust that he found me as. I wonder if I looked different in my past life. I can't remember how I looked.

Looking at him now, in such a vulnerable state, I can't tell if I want to punch him or hug him. Punching him is probably warranted but would only upset us both. Hugging him would be giving him what he wants but also giving in to my strongest impulse.

To stay neutral, I don't do either.

I don't feel tired, not in the slightest. How do I sleep knowing all that I do now? I'm terrified of my reality. There's nothing that's going to hurt me. There's nothing left to take from me. I have no need to be scared and yet, I am. The worst that could ever happen has already happened. What more is there to fear than the worst?

"Don't stress, Ellie, it'll all be okay." Hades mumbles without opening his eyes.

"I'm fine," I lie.

"You know that I know that's not true." He peeks his eyes open.

"You don't know what's going on inside my head," I say bitterly.

"No, I don't. But I know that when you're stressed your breathing becomes shaky. I know that when you lie, your eyebrows furrow only for a second. I know that when you're genuinely happy, you smile with dimples. I know you, Ellie."

I take a deep breath; his attention to the little things makes it harder to hate him and I hate that it does.

"Why are you doing this?" My cheeks begin to burn. "Why are you trying to make me change my mind?"

He shakes his head. "I know I can't change your mind and I know you can't forgive me. But just because you hate me doesn't mean I'll stop caring about you. For whatever short time that you did care, it made me realize that I didn't want to be without you. If we had more time, I'd spend the rest of your life trying to win your affection back. But I know we have too little time to even try to do that."

I sigh, taking in the reality that I will return to being nothing but an aimless spirit soon. I won't have a life. I won't ever be hungry but I will never taste food again. I will never be thirsty but I will never drink again. I will never hurt again but I will never love again. If I don't take the bad as it is, I'll waste what little time I have left for the moments of good.

He looks softly into my eyes and I pull myself in closer to him. With his face just inches from mine, I can feel his breath hit my skin. His arm wraps around me and holds me close.

"This isn't for you," I admit. "This is for me."

"I know," he says as he closes his eyes. "I know."

If I can have any sense of control before the end, I choose to try to ignore what I've learned just for tonight. I give up on all of my morals and ideals, realizing that now, none of those things matter. It won't change the world to hold him as I sleep, but it will make my time left here a little more bearable.