Wrapped Around Her Finger ✓

30. Honest

Paxton

I answer some emails on my phone, while Lina is on her laptop, online shopping for a secret Santa gift for Mitch. Her back is against the sofa's armrest, and her smooth legs are draped over my lap. I guess we can't stay apart, even while doing separate things. She's wearing one of my t-shirts, and she's so tiny that it's cutely oversized on her. I can see a sliver of the lace trimming on her red underwear that peeks out where her legs are bent.

"I have no idea what to get him," she groans, flopping her head back onto the armrest.

"Let me try," I say and take her laptop. I do a quick search and hand it back.

Her eyes are as wide as saucers and her face turns red when she sees what's on her screen. "Paxton! Absolutely not!" she exclaims.

I chuckle. "You're adorable."

She furrows her brows at her screen. "How do people even feel comfortable...using these?" She quickly shuts her laptop, still looking flustered.

"Maybe it'll keep him away from you," I wink. I still need to figure out what I'm getting Lina for Christmas. "Do you have plans tomorrow by the way? Do you want to go out?"

She nods. "I volunteer at the animal shelter every other week, I'm going tomorrow," she pauses for a moment. "Actually no, sorry, I'm volunteering at the children's hospital tomorrow. Got the date mixed up for a second. We can go out after I'm done though."

I feel a slight tang of guilt. Someone like me doesn't deserve someone as generous and kind as Lina. I pull her over so that she's sitting close next to me. "How did I get so lucky?"

"What do you mean?"

"You're amazing," I smile. There's a heavy feeling in my chest though, I know I should admit this now. "Lina, there's something I need to tell you."

She looks concerned. "What is it?"

"I'd like to believe that I've changed as a person, but my past will always haunt me. It feels wrong to just try and hide it from you." She entered this relationship completely unaware of the mountains of baggage I carry. "You've been so open with me, it feels unfair that I haven't been."

"Go on," she says slowly.

"I've been an inconsiderate and selfish person for many more years in my life that I'd like to admit." I take a deep breath before I continue. "I've never been a nice person. I didn't do nice. I've thrown plenty of people under the bus, I didn't care about consequences that would affect others, and not me."

She furrows her brows. "Really?"

I sigh and nod. "For a long time, it was never my first instinct to put others ahead of me."

She lightly strokes my hand. "But why? All of this must stem from somewhere? I don't believe that people are born innately bad." It makes me feel guilty, how kind she is.

It takes a lot of willpower to continue, "There was an...accident when I was young. I've had a lot of difficulty with compassion and being close with others since then. I've pushed away so many good people, simply because the idea of commitment terrified me."

"What happened?" she whispers.

Even though I feel so close with Lina, I don't feel comfortable sharing what happened. "I...I'm not ready to talk about that."

She nods. "That's ok."

Is it though? "I'll admit it's felt a bit unsettling. We've gotten close, much closer than I've ever been with any other girl. It was honestly scary to feel so vulnerable." I feel impossibly vulnerable right now, in fact. "I love you so much, you know that. It's just so hard to really let you in Lina."