Everything I'm Not (GirlxGirl)

43. Visit

Gray

"You ready?"

"One minute." The words leave my mouth before the voice even registers in my head. After the initial shock, a sense of nostalgia washes over me. It's always been like this before. Every time we go out, she'd come in just at the right time for me to finish put on the last piece of clothing I'm wearing for the day. Realizing my mistake, I remind Jan, "Please knock next time."

Instead of the dismissive statement I was expecting, only a look of resignation and a murmured "okay," is what I get.

I've noted these changes in Jan for the past weeks. She spends more time in our house than hers, hence the unavoidable interaction. When Alex comes over, she makes herself scarce. The two have managed to keep their interactions minimal and I couldn't be more thankful for it. Although they are civil to each other, there's still an almost palpable tension between them whenever they share the same space. Jan's calmer, more amiable, and starting to be like the Jan I used to know. So when she asked me to take her to my mother's grave, I didn't have the heart to tell her no. My mom treated her as if she were her own child, and after losing her mother at a young age, I know Jan also looked at her as if she were her own. 

The only concession I made at her request was Alex's approval. I expected Alex to get mad. But instead, she wasn't even a little bit annoyed. The way she handled the situation made me love her a little more. The conversation we had in the hot tub doesn't fail to warm my heart—and the things we did after warmed other places. 

After sending a quick text to Alex saying we were about to leave, I drive to the cemetery. Jan and I both remain silent throughout the drive until my phone beeps with a reply from Alex. One of Alex's quirks is her insanely slow replies—which is crazy because she's always with her phone. I open the message at the next red light. 

Take care :)

Just those two words. No I trust you or anything that sends the same message. She doesn't need to. 

"Is it really okay with her? Us going out together?" Jan speaks for the first time since we got in the car. 

"Yes." 

"She isn't mad?" 

"No." I know full well where Jan's skepticism comes from. If their situations were reversed, she never would've let me come with Alex. She can be a little controlling in that department. When we were together, where I go, she goes. "I don't even know if she's capable of getting mad." Also true. Yes, she easily gets annoyed, but just as quickly gets over it. 

Jan crosses her arms in front of her chest. "How noble of her." At that moment, her phone rings. Upon checking the caller, she frowns and rejects the call. It rings again and after again rejecting the call, Jan turns off her phone, muttering something under her breath. 

"Isn't that important?" I ask. 

"Just work." 

"What exactly do you do now?" 

Jan shrugs. "My dad's business is mine now. I'm just keeping things running." She turns slightly toward me. "And figure skating. Clara told me you stopped. Why?" 

"I got tired of it," is what I say, but the truth is every time I enter the rink, all I can think of is her and I can't bear to be at a place where I can feel her absence almost physically. 

Ice is where Jan shines the most. From the way she puts on her skates like it's second nature, to the way her entire demeanor changes once she steps on the ice. There's something about the way she glides and strides, like she's born to be there. And when she starts her routine, I can never take my eyes off her.