One Month Later - December
Amelia
I lay on my bed, staring out the window while I watch large snowflakes fall from the sky. It's December now, slowly nearing Christmas. I used to love the holiday season but this year is different. This year I feel...empty. Not necessarily sad or angry but just numb to all emotions. My mom suggested I stay at her house for a little while but I just wanted to be home. I just wanted to be alone.
It's Sunday today, which means I won't be entirely all to myself. Harry will call me, somewhere between three and four in the afternoon. It's the arrangement we worked out, as per Maggie's suggestion. I didn't want to cut Harry out completely, for the fear of being too selfish, but I also wanted to distance myself for little while so I could focus on my mental health. Maggie suggested Harry and I talk twice a week - on Sunday's, he calls me, and on Wednesday's, I call him.
Our conversations aren't long but they're meaningful. We've been talking about everything that we kept from each other over the past year or so, most of it being from me. Maggie said we should start the painful process of opening up since we're both awful with communication, apparently. I thought we were doing okay but we must have disconnected at some point and now it's time to figure out how to put it back together. Part of me wishes Harry was here because I think the deeper conversations would be easier that way, but I know this is what's best for both of us, even if he disagrees.
I haven't really been great since Harry left that night. I cried for about three days straight after he left, and then it was on and off for an additional week. But now I'm just numb. I don't feel much. Occasionally my heart will flutter when I hear Harry's voice or when he sends me an occasional text message, but then the feeling comes to an abrupt halt when I remember he's not here with me.
I think I feel so poorly because I realize how much I hurt Harry. I kept secrets from him - secrets that I didn't think were worth sharing but I'm sure they broke him a little that night he left. I should have talked to him sooner. I thought I was doing the right thing but now I'm not so sure I can forgive myself for hurting Harry like that.
My phone rings, interrupting my thoughts, although it's not much of an interruption per-say because it's Harry calling. My heart skips a beat when I see his name on my phone, but like usual it drops to the pit of my stomach from guilt. I bite my lip, trying to suppress the tears forming in the corner of my eyes. It barely works but I can't dwell on it too long because I answer Harry's call before it goes to voicemail.
"Hey," I weakly say, putting the phone on speaker and setting it down beside me on the bed.
"Hi," Harry whispers.
An awkward silence engulfs us, neither of us knowing what to say. This is typically how it goes - an uncomfortable beginning before the tears start on both our ends and we talk things out.
"How are you?" I ultimately ask Harry.
"I'm okay," he answers. He never says he's 'good' or 'great' - it's always just 'okay'. "I saw Gemma today. She says hi..."
I wonder what Harry told Gemma about me? We had talked briefly after things with Harry and I went south. I reached out to her, and Anne, to let them know I still loved him and it was never my intention to hurt him. They were more than understanding and still very supportive of us, but I still wonder what Harry had to say about me. Hopefully nothing awful. He's never been one to bad mouth anyone and I don't think he'd start with me, although I suppose I wouldn't blame him.
"Tell her I say hi, too," I meekly reply.
"I will, love," Harry says. I hear him shift around on the other line, leading me to believe that he too is laying down. "And you? How are you?"
