Question at the end :)
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Harry
It's been a rough, and emotional, past couple of days. I've felt more like a corpse than a person lately, stuck in my own head while my mind spiraled. On the outside I was mute and numb, but I was screaming on the inside, trying to make sense of everything that had happened.
I wasn't mad at Amelia, or upset that she had kept that secret from my family and I for a couple of years. I understand why she did it, and part of me is grateful because she kept Robin's last dying wish. But I was angry at the world for taking him from me - from us - and I was angry at how such cruel things could happen to the best people. My mind couldn't understand that Robin is truly gone and not coming back, so I just remained silent, not knowing how to even verbalize what I was feeling.
I knew Amelia thought I was upset with her when we got home. After my breakdown at the cemetery, she drove us home, doing surprisingly well for driving on the opposite side of the road than what she's used to, and then ran a bath for the both of us. Still unable to move by myself, she helped undress me and then bathe me. Then we just sat in the tub together until the water ran cold.
Afterwards, Amelia helped dress me and then instructed me to lay down in bed. I knew she meant well by wanting to take care of me, but out of frustration for everything going on in my mind, I snapped. I yelled and screamed and tore up the room, littering it with clothes and pillows and broken picture frames.
It wasn't anything Amelia said or did to provoke me. She didn't do anything at all. It was just my own mind torturing me with thoughts of Robin and I needed to get some of my energy out.
I stormed out of the room after my outburst and ran outside to pace in my backyard. The rain had stopped at that point and broke the humidity so it felt nice to just breathe in the cool air. It didn't clear my thoughts, but it certainly helped, and after about twenty minutes of pacing, I went back inside.
I found Amelia in our bedroom, picking up my mess with silent tears streaming down her face. I just stood there watching for a second as she hung some of my clothes back up and put the pillows back on the bed, all while sniffling on the occasion and wiping her cheeks dry.
I had wondered if I was the reason for her crying, not really thinking of the affect my outburst would have on her. So I walked over to her while she was by the bed and wrapped my arms around her body, sitting both of us down on the mattress while we clung to each other.
"I'm sorry," I whispered, my own tears leaking from my eyes. "I love you. I didn't mean to yell."
I gave the whole 'it's not you, it's me' speech in hopes that Amelia would believe me, but she told me she wasn't crying because I hurt her feelings by yelling. She told me she was crying because she was hurt that I was hurt. She said she hated seeing me in pain and she felt helpless knowing there was nothing she could do to take that away.
It felt weird to know that someone else was so deeply affected by my feelings. I knew Mum and Gemma would probably react the same way, but I'd never heard those words before coming from a partner.
After crying together for what felt like forever, I ordered us a pizza and we sat in bed, eating and watching comedy movies that did little to brighten up our moods but we still pretended they did anyway.
Yesterday we spent entirely in bed, cuddling and talking about life in general. I started to open up a bit about Robin and my feelings towards losing him. I thought it would be harder tot talk about than it was but for some reason, it all just came flowing out like word vomit. I just kept talking and talking and Amelia listened the entire time, not once cutting me off even though I could feel my speech start to slur. I've always had a bit of an issue speaking, my words often times being more drawn out and a slight slur to them when I grew tired. Although it became significantly less prominent when I bit the tip of my tongue off, it still happens from time to time.
