The Pride Confession, yakulev (ShibayamaxInuoka)

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yaku pov: Monday, 3rd of June 2019

It's been two years now. Two fucking years since that giant went to my school.

I changed schools after 5th grade so I had to guide him around. I was his "buddy" as they call it. A new 7th grader who just changed to the school gets shown around by another 7th grader, who has already visited the school for 2 years. And of course, I had to be the "buddy" of this cute bean pole.

Not again! Don't think that shit. He's your friend. You aren't supposed to catch feelings for a friend. But it's probably too late anyway. Urgh. 

I should've just let Kenma guide him around and practice with him, but his bad volleyball skills and grades bordered me so much, I had to teach him. Kenma would've never. He would probably just tell him to get lost. Well, I don't treat Lev how I should either. But it's his fault for always calling me short and being so goddamn cute.

Yikes, I'm literally a simp for this man. This isn't good, it's a disaster. How am I supposed to teach him, when I start blushing crazy as soon as he smiles at me? I can't deal with it now. I can't kick him as soon as he does something cute. That way he would never see me the way I see him. Even if I would stop he wouldn't fall for me. I knew he was way out of my league the first time I saw him. Probably I started falling for him back then. I probably shouldn't have though. 

At that time I used to practice and study as an excuse to spend time with him. Without Inuoka telling me to invite Lev over to my house and to do something other than studying we wouldn't be friends. We spent almost all the time together. He is my best friend and I'm his. But for him, I'm only this. A friend. Nothing special. But I'm fine with that as long as I can spend time with him.

Still, I would really like to be more than that, but you shouldn't dream of things you'll never have. I thought about all the things I and Lev did together while walking to his house. We often watched movies while cuddling. We talked about everything. Our life, our parents, friends, how Lev's cat was, what song or film just came out or which anime character was the hottest. Sometimes we went out shopping or went out to skate. And at least once a month we baked.

Today was one of those days. We agreed to bake cookies after school. But I had to stay longer so he went ahead to prepare everything. I'm kind of glad he did. With him here next to me, I wouldn't have the nerves to think about him and I really needed to find an answer to the question of what I should do.

I could confess, but if I really did it how? I didn't want it to be a simple 'I like you, please go out with me', it should be something special. I considered a lyric confession because in that way I could just tell him it was a prank if he doesn't have those feelings for me. The problem is, that I would have to tell him the truth anyway, so I quickly put this idea aside. A scavenger hunt also sounds nice, but I don't think that I would have the motivation to make something like this. I don't like the idea in general, although it's a good way. I just don't like it. So the only possibility left would be a sleepover and then telling him. But before I would spend as much time with him as possible, to prepare for the rejection.

But should I really do this? I already know he doesn't like me back, so why should I confess? There is literally no good reason for it. But what should I do instead? I could try to move on, but I highly doubt I could do that without being distant, which I absolutely don't want to. Also, he is way too cute and nice to me, to let go that easily. I could try to live like that, but one day I would slip and tell him.

I could imagine me screaming at him for something he had done and accidentally confessing 'Oh my god Lev, why are you so stupid, why do you always make so dumb things and why did I fall for you, it literally makes no sense why I would love someone like you'.

Yeah, that could definitely happen to me and this time I couldn't just say it was platonically, like I did about one year ago, as I told accidentally told him I liked him, while yelling at him for something stupid he did.

Luckily he thought I meant I like him platonically and told me he also liked me and that I'm his best friend.

And that's the story of my friendship with my crush.

The only one who knows my feelings for Lev is Inuoka and he knows that he would be dead if he told someone. Also, no one knows I'm gay, I considered telling them, but I never knew how.

First I probably should tell Lev. He would know something is up if I didn't tell him first. After all, he's my best friend. But how, should I just tell him right away, should I text him or should I just don't tell him. But it is something I need to tell him one day. What if he's homophobic? That would be shitty. He would hate me and never talk to me again. I couldn't live with that. How should I, when my crush and probably the love of my life, would be homophobic?

But that's not going to happen. I mean he wasn't homophobic when we talked about this in class. Everybody was accepting. But to be sure we could go shopping together tomorrow or after we finished backing. It's June, Pride month. We could accidentally walk by and I could see his reaction. And then I could tell him.

That sounds like a plan. I'll do that. But first I need to survive this without showing my feelings. The last time we made cookies he was way too cute and I blushed like crazy. We made some black-and-white cookies or how you call them, which were actually pretty yummy and some with chocolate, nuts, nougat and cocoa. These nut things, I don't know what to call them were the best sweets I ever ate. As soon as Lev noticed that, he always made these, when he baked some. And someday he invited me to bake them with him. And soon after that, we became 'bake-buddies', what he calls it.

And I know that it isn't anytime near Christmas yet and we shouldn't bake, but Lev and I don't care. They taste good all year, so why would you limit it to the before-Christmas time?

To be honest I never baked before I met Lev. Not cookies, nor cake. I never felt the need to and my parents never baked either so I never knew something could taste that good. But after Lev once shared some cookies with me I loved baking and now did it almost every week, sometimes even more often.

I was complete in thoughts and didn't even realize, I already arrived at Lev's house. It wasn't that far away from the school, but I had to walk some time. I knocked on the door, trying to find out, whether he was home or not. He wasn't, which means that he forgets something and needed to go to the supermarket, which could take some time. So I took the spare key he gave me and opened the door, going inside. I never was at his house without him, but since the incident where his whole family was in Russia over summer break and he got sick, I had a spare key to help him if he needed it. I quickly took off my shoes and put them next to the others. Then I put my stuff next to his and dropped on the couch. It was a hard school day and I just wanted to relax.