Always & Forever

Chapter 33, "Explanations"

Harry's POV

"Can we talk?" I asked, hesitantly.

I had no damn clue what I was about to say to her. Jayda is the love of my life. The one and only love of my life and I have no idea why I was trying to push her away.

"Sure," she said, surprising me.

I sat at the edge of the bed as Jayda continued to lay there staring at the ceiling.

"I just need you to listen to me please. Just let me explain." I started.

"Alright." she said, dryly.

Oh shit.

Her behavior was scaring the hell out of me, but I had to brave through it. I should be dead right now. I wonder if she thought about killing me through any of this. You know what, that's not the point. Let me just be grateful I'm alive.

"Okay well actually you have to talk for what I'm about to ask so..."

"Harry just get on with it."

"Why do you love me?" I asked.

"What type of question is that?" she scoffed.

"Just answer it please."

I felt her shuffle and sit up, but she didn't move near me and I didn't dare look her way.

"Harry I can't answer that..."

"Jayda just-"

"I can't answer that because there's not enough time. There's not enough words. I can't answer that because I don't have one simple answer for you because my love for you isn't simple."

I thought about the words that just came out her mouth. Damn. This girl really does love me with everything in her.

"I'm not in love with Kara Jayda. Honestly. Sure there was some infatuation there but it wasn't real. It was just a cover up. I am incandescently in love with you Jayda Marie Styles."

"I've heard you say that before so many times and I just can't take anymore lies Harry."

"This is no lie Jayda. It's just....I was jealous." I blurted out.

"Jealous? Jealous of what?"

"Jealous because I don't deserve you Jayda. I've been proven time and time again that there are others that can treat and love you better than I can. You could have anyone and you choose me. People don't even try and hide their admiration of you. I constantly get rubbed in the face that you can have anyone."

"Harry that's all in your head. I don't want just anyone. I picked you. Why is that so hard for you to accept?"

"I don't know Jayda. I don't. I just wanted to make you jealous. I didn't mean for it to go this far. None of this was ever supposed to happen like this."

"You're telling me."

"Kara told me about you and Zayn..."

"And?"

"And did it make you question anything?"

"No Harry it didn't. Unlike you, I don't crave the presence or touch from anyone else other than my significant other."

Okay so I might've walked into that one.

"Jayda you just have this affect on me that makes me do stupid things. I can't explain it."

"So I make you want to flirt with other women and bring up old flings?" she asked.

"Okay that's not what I meant. I meant you make me insecure. The more attached and vulnerable I become is more risk and possibility that you could leave me any second. Like when you took the kids, it made me realize how much power you hold over me. I'm helpless without you."

"You would think 5 years of marriage would secure a spot in someone's life..."

Yup, walked straight into that one too.

"Harry look around you. I had nothing when I met you. I was unhappy and pretty depressed all until you showed me to the light. I would have nothing without you, especially now. I don't have a family to rely on and all my friends and the closest thing I have to family live in this very house. You had this before me and you would have it after me. Me on the other hand, would have to rebuild and start over. Stop making excuses to yourself for you to willingly hurt me. I am insecure because I know there are other girls you could have and that look wayyyyy better than me, but that doesn't stop me from loving you as much as I can. That way I know that if one day you in fact do get bored of me, I can say that I loved you more than anything and truly tried." she explained.

Well how am I supposed to compete with that?

"When Hendrix said something about me being pregnant, I was excited because I thought well maybe he'll be interested in me again. Maybe this will keep him holding on. Maybe this will make him realize how happy I make him, but it did none of those things. In fact, it did the complete opposite. It's what fueled this to happen. It instead angered you and disappointed you, which was really hard for me to cope with by the way. But nonetheless, I forgave you anyways because I thought that maybe you finally got it. Surely I thought what happened between Nick and I would gear you into shape, but all it did was make me think you didn't care. That you were actually looking for a way out. A way to get even maybe. I don't know."

I couldn't even interrupt her or argue because she was right. I was looking to get even.

"I think what hurts the most is that you treat me like your second choice. You treat me as if I don't know you could have anyone you lay eyes one. As if I don't know that if you kicked me to the curb, there are billions of other girls willing and ready to take my place. I just wasn't expecting it to be someone so close to home. Someone you told me not to worry about. These very facts are what make me insecure. I constantly get on myself to try to be more appealing to you so you don't get tired of me. How long has it been since you've seen me in just sweats, messy hair, and barefoot?" she asked.

Oh wow. It has been a while.

"Exactly. So, when I see someone like Kara who is naturally just gorgeous and beyond amazing occupy all of your attention, I become insecure about everything. I question everything. My first instinct is to immediately ask myself what can I do better? Those days when I went to the hotel were really good for me. I was able to just lounge around in anything and just be free to be me. When I'm with you, I have an image to uphold. To you, to the public, and to those we hang around. I'm scared that if I go back to myself without all the glam and fancy clothes, you'll leave for someone who can uphold that image. So you Harry, have nothing to be insecure about. No one else will love me at my ugliest moments. Not like you do." she finished.

That was a lot to take in. I didn't even know what to say. Hell, I didn't even know she was carrying all of this. She made me realize that my stupid jealousy was so little compared to what she was feeling inside. I feel horrible knowing that she did all these different things just to find ways to excite me and get me to pay attention to her. All she ever wanted was me.

"Jayda I didn't know..."

"Yeah I know. I was hoping you would never have to. All I've ever wanted from you Harry was to love me as I love you. If you feel like we moved too fast for you then okay. If you feel like you missed out on some opportunities because of me then okay, but at the end of the day, there is no reversing this. You hold all the cards. I don't regret anything and I never will. When you figure out what you want just tell me Harry because I can't keep doing this. I'm tired and there's so many other things that we could be doing with our lives."

She laid back down and I assumed she continued staring at the ceiling. Throughout this whole entire conversation and we didn't make eye contact not once. I'm sure it hurt for her to look at me right now.

"Well, if that's all. I'm going to try and get some sleep now. You should too, you have to go to the studio tomorrow."

"You remembered?" I asked, genuinely surprised.

"Of course I remember. I can't forget you Harry. Not even if I wanted to."

I got up from her bed and glanced over at her. Yup, she was staring at the ceiling. I walked out the the room and back into ours. I want her back in here with me where she belongs. Now I just had to find out a way to show that.