Music Sheet (Harry Styles)

Chapter 14 ~ Hannah

Chapter 14 ~ Hannah

For some reason when I get home and I’m alone in my house, I feel emptier than before. I know this feeling, I’ve been feeling like this for so long, but tonight there’s something new, something different that hurts in my chest. I don’t know what it is, but it’s pressing my ribs against my chest and it’s hard to breathe. I feel empty but at the same time I feel like I’m drowning with all the things I have inside. I even feel dizzy, everything seems to be spinning around but I haven’t drunk a single glass.

What is happening?

I go upstairs and walk into my room and the first thing I see is Harry’s poster with five darts on his face. In that moment, the crushing sensation becomes stronger and my hand flies over my chest, as if holding my chest will make it go away. In my mind come the memories of this morning when I was alone with Harry, in peace, just having a good time. During those moments I felt like myself, like the old Hannah, the girl I was before Mum died but at the same time I still was the Hannah I am today.  When I was with him in the coffee shop I felt like I was free to feel happy.

Did I do wrong when I rejected him that way. I still can see the way he looked at me when I told him I didn’t want to be friends with him, I can remember the pain my words brought to him. But I don’t understand him, how can he care so much about me? Because he insists and insists, no matter what I say to him, he comes back trying to break down my walls. Why is Harry so persistent? I don’t think he’ll have a problem finding a girl who would love to be his friend. Why me? Why did my words hurt him?

I walk over to where the poster is hanging and take it off, sliding it so I don’t have to see his face and I put it away, but while I do that the crushing sensation becomes stronger than before and I just know it. I know it’s because of him. I feel bad, I feel confused and torn after what I did. I still can’t afford to grow fond of him, but maybe a part of me wants it, because I still think of him and the way he makes me feel, how easy he can make me laugh.

“Ugh!” I groan throwing myself to my bed and covering my face with my hands, trying to understand what is happening with me. “How I wish you were here, Mum. I know you’d know what to say,” I whisper with my hands still on my face and my chest hurting harder.

I know Mum would tell me what I did was wrong, that I shouldn’t have shut the door in Harry’s face and I should let myself feel again, but that’s because she wants the old Hannah back, the one who was fully alive. If instead of Harry, the guy involved were another, her answer would be the same. Mum wouldn’t consider that this is Harry Boy-band we were talking

I miss her so much.

* * *

I’m looking for a new guitar. Mine is old and she needs to retire already, we have been through a lot together and she deserves a rest. She’ll stay with me, but someone new will be with us as well and I hope to find this new member of our little family today.

There are so many guitars I want to cry, they are all so beautiful and the sound is just sublime. I try out several, playing different songs I love –mostly Ed Sheeran’s–, and some people have stopped to listen. I ignore them all, I can only feel the music and how my fingers strum the right chord, going through the strings so easily. In those moments, the guitar on my lap and I are one and that’s all I care about. The rest of the world disappears.

I’m playing a song when the hullaballoo starts and this times it reaches me. I stop playing Lovesick Fool by The Cab and look around, just to see some people inside the shop surrounding someone, all of them talking at the same time, some of them even crying.