Music Sheet (Harry Styles)

Chapter 43 ~ Harry

Chapter 43 ~ Harry

You know when things are great and everything seems to be perfect yet you have that feeling that it can’t be like that? That something has to go wrong because life isn’t perfect? Well, I have that feeling and I can’t shove it off no matter how hard I try.

Hannah and I are doing great and she is making great progress. I see she is getting along better with the lads, she is not that awkward and so reluctant to meet people, yet she always needs me around or at least, Savannah. Someone she can trust, I guess. I know someday she won’t need anyone to make new friends and let people in. She won’t need shields.

Even the media has been… uh, nice? I’m not sure. They are really interested in this girl I’m dating, but they can’t get much information as Hannah is very reserved and she has almost no friends except from Savannah. They made up rumours, they say things to her like she is just one more in my endless list of women, but she ignores them. I guess she is used to block other people’s words, which is quite convenient now. I guess the paparazzi will get bored eventually and they will just accept that this time I’m serious, that I really care about Hannah and she is not just another one.

Plus, I make sure to tell her every day that whatever they say isn’t true because they don’t know me a tenth part of what she knew about me when we met. I also remind her every chance I get that what I feel for her is something I’ve never felt before.

I love being with her, even if it’s just one minute a day. I love talking to her, telling her all the things we did and when she tells me how her day went. I love our pointless conversations, how she can take a banter and how much she loves to mess with me, joke with me. She loves to laugh and I love to hear her musical laughter. I love when we work together in a new song, I love how passionate she is about music, I love how much she cares about Hope and how sweet she is with that little kitty. What I feel for Hannah is something I’ve never felt before and maybe I should be scared, maybe I should be worried that I’m falling too deep, but I don’t. I know that this is right, this is what I’m supposed to feel. How do I know it? I have no idea, I just know it.

But when I get home, when I see Louis watching a movie that has no romance whatsoever, even if he has seen it a millionth times, I feel like it’s not fair my life is going so perfectly right now. I know he is not fine that I have all this now when he is alone and resentful, when he is hurt, even if he doesn’t want to talk about it. It also makes me think how it’s possible that everything feels so perfect and I’m afraid of the moment when the honeymoon stage passes and the problems in paradise start. It can’t be perfect forever, can it?

I’ve had this dream where Hannah is completely fine, when the death of her mum doesn’t stop her anymore, when she has no problem letting people in anymore and when she is like that, she realises she doesn’t need me anymore. What if that happens? What if she stops needing me? I–– I can’t just picture myself without her anymore. I know it sounds lame and I should be ashamed of my feelings or for sounding like such a girl, but it’s the truth. I need her, probably more than she needs me. Not in the way she does, but I do need her by my side because when I have her, I feel completely happy. She makes me happy, when she smiles, when she laughs, when she takes my hand, when she looks at me, when she sings to me.

What if… what if she meets someone better? Like Eleanor did? Someone like, I don’t know, that Max guy she practises with for the Easter presentation? In a few months I’ll start the European tour and I won’t be around as much as I can be now, but he can and maybe now that she won’t have walls that would keep him away, he’ll try to steal her from me.

Mila saw the other day that I was gloomy and she made me –and by made me I mean she forced me using cute pictures of cats to bribe me– tell her what was going on. She says I shouldn’t be as insecure, that I should trust Hannah and what she feels for me, but I can’t help it. It’s never sure with her, I’m afraid she can go back to the Hannah I first met in any minute and shut me out again, or that she just find out that she doesn’t need me anymore. I’m just afraid she’ll push me away again and after all we’ve been through, after having her, I can’t bear the thought of losing her. I’ve never wanted someone as much as I want Hannah to be with me.