Music Sheet (Harry Styles)

Chapter 48 ~ Hannah

Chapter 48  ~ Hannah

  

I walk slowing, hugging the bouquet carefully against my chest as I make my way towards her grave. The snow keeps falling slowly over me and I’m freezing alive, but I keep walking. I need to talk to her, even if she can’t reply. I need to tell her everything before doing something.

When I finally get to her grave, I put down the flowers I bought that will be dead by tomorrow, but I couldn’t come with empty hands again. I look at the stone with her name and the day she left, I try to smile but tears are already burning in my eyes and I have to blink many times before saying even hello.

“This time I did bring flowers,” I say with a sad smile, hugging myself to keep me warm. My coat is not enough, but I guess it’s good to feel cold, it reminds me I’m still alive, no matter how dead I feel inside. “I– I really need you now, Mum,” I carry on slowly, carefully picking all the words I need to say. “I’ve made an awful mistake, maybe my biggest mistake.”

Harry’s smile flashes before my eyes and then I see his hurt expression when he turned around and left my house. That’s the last image I have of him and it hurts every time I remember it. I can’t believe what I did, I can’t believe that I was actually that stupid to doubt him. I can’t believe I’m such a coward that I used anything just to find an excuse to hide again. And my stupidity hurt the boy I’m in love with and now I lost him over that.

“I hurt Harry, Mum. I betrayed him and ruined everything. And the worst part is that I realise I’m in love with him, but he gave up on me and now everything is over and I don’t know how to fix it. He told me it’s too late,” I tell my mum and I wish, oh so badly, she could be here with me, listening to me, hugging me, with some wise advice.

I really need my mum now.

“Why can’t I let go of this pain, Mum? I thought I was getting better, I honestly thought I was doing fine but then I throw this shitty move and everything is lost. Everything. And I’m worse than ever. I don’t even have him now.” I look at her grave, desperately, whishing that somehow she’ll come out of the ground and reach me. “Why can’t I let go of your lost?” My voice trembles and I feel the hot tears on my cheeks again.

Honestly, how many tears do I have? Will I ever run out of them?

“I know I wish you never left, but it’s like that for as long as I wish that, I can’t have anyone else. I can’t have Harry.” I choke in my words.

I feel like I’m in the middle of the motorway, at one side there’s Mum, smiling at me, holding out her hand and behind her there are all the memories of a past where I was happy, where I was whole. At the other side there is Harry, looking at me with a surrendered expression, behind him all the possibilities of a brighter future. I want to run to him, I want to throw myself at his arms, but I can’t let go of the past, I can’t let go of my mother.

“It’s like for as long as I hold on to your memory, I can’t have a future, and even more, a future with Harry,” I say between soft sobs, my shoulders shaking with hurtful spams. I’m breaking into pieces, yet I’m still standing and I don’t even know how this is possible. “I want to be with him, but I can’t leave you behind. What can I do, Mum? How can I solve this?” I cry out desperate, my voice shattered and unrecognisable.

I cover my face with my hands and in my mind I see how Harry starts to dissolve in he background and with him all the possibilities, but Mum is still there, with me. But I don’t feel better, and as the cold touches my very bones, shaking me from inside, I see how Mum loses her smile.

“This is not what I want,” she says in my mind and I’m on my knees in the middle of the motorway, still sobbing. “This is not what you need, Hannah. You can’t go on like this, holding on to the past and afraid of the future. You can’t change what happened but you can change what may happen. You’re a clever girl,” she adds with a smile, stepping closer.