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emerson
"morning."
"good morning," i respond to jonah as he sits next to me on the couch.
"criminal minds, really?" he laughs.
"hey don't judge. i make sure not to watch it when noah is awake so this is my only time to do so," i explain.
he nods, "i watch it sometimes. good show."
"mhm and spencer reid is mmmm."
i cover my mouth when i realize what i've said and jonah raises an eyebrow at me, "really? him?"
"why not him? i mean just look at him. his hair in this season makes him soooo much more attractive."
"i always knew you hated long hair," he teases, nodding his head at the tv that shows spencer's short hairstyle.
i roll my eyes playfully, "hush. besides you're growing yours out and it looks alright."
he laughs, "thanks i think. so um.. do you mind if we pause the show real quick and talk about something?"
i grab the remote and press pause, "what's up?"
"i've done a lot of thinking these past two months while being away from you and noah... and it sucked. i'm not gonna lie, it's the hardest thing i've ever had to do," he looks down, "i know i've been away from you guys before at the very start of my career, you know when i first moved here and you and noah stayed behind in stillwater. that was torture, but now... having you so close and not being able to see you, it's a different kind of pain."
"jonah..?"
"just let me talk," he shifts and grabs my hands in his.
i glance down at our now intertwined hands before looking back up at him.
"i've been having a hard time adjusting; adjusting to this life, trying to figure out how to balance everything. in the process i lost myself. i have to admit and accept how awful i've treated you. it's not fair, especially when all you do is give noah all the love and care in the world. you gave up everything just so i could see noah here in l.a. and i fucked it up," his eyes water and his voice trembles.
"hey it's okay. i've never underestimated how stressful it is for you, i know that jonah."
"but it's not fair. i'm too selfish to realize that it's stressful for you too. you have noah for majority of the week; you look after him when i'm not here to help. you.. you're lonely, i can see that. i've always known that you have no one here, and i should have been here for you," he admits,
"and then i let people get in the way of what we had worked out for noah. i let her get into my head and i want to apologize for that."
"her as in tatum...?"
he nods hesitantly, "i took her words for what they were and never thought that maybe she was the one pulling the strings and making shit up. that's my fault. i.. i attacked you for building friendships, i slut-shamed you. that's not who i am and i'm ashamed."
"wow um... so you and tate-"
he cuts me off, "i haven't ended things yet, but we aren't doing well and for some reason that doesn't bother me a whole lot. we've been distant since she went back to seattle,
"what she said to you is wrong. she had no right to overstep like that, and i refuse to let her harm you or our son. so if that means ending things with her then i'm going to do that. you were right about everything which means she's said shit to noah. what did she say to him?" his voice gets quiet near the end, probably in fear of the truth.
"... i can only assume, but i think she told him that you don't love him, and that you'll end up leaving."
"w-what?" the tears are now streaming down his face and i pull away to wipe some of them,
"he's had nightmares about you leaving and he told me that 'it's just like she said momma,' so..."
"how.. how do i fix this?"
i shake my head, "c'mon jo, he knows you love him."
"this never should have happened. what is wrong with me? how could i let this happen?"
"hey listen. we just have to try harder, okay? we have to do better with communicating with each other. we can easily fix this," i tell him honestly.
he buries his face in his hands, "you're right. i promise i'll fix this em. i'm so sorry about everything.. especially for the whole custody thing. i've dropped it."
i silently pull him in for a hug, wrapping my arms around his neck as his loosely go around my waist.
we hug for a minute before he speaks again, "can i be honest with you about something...?"
his breath fans across my neck, his words directly in my ear causing me to pull away slowly, "yeah anything. what is it?"
