Exchange Student- Louis Partridge

hi guys. kind of important, an explanation.

TW// mention of suicide at the end.

okay so i really did not want to have to do this to my new book.. and NO IM NOT DISCONTINUING OR ENDING IT BEFORe yALL GET SCARED.

basically im pretty sure yall have realized i havent uploaded to this in over a month now, not since the end of january (right before my bday). but basically heres the thing.

i love writing, always have always will. it's one of my core interests and personality traits, one of those things that everyone knows i enjoy.

but for the past year or so ive been going through a tough time, i mean we all have. but i havent had the best way of dealing with it.

ive done a lot of reflection on who i am as a person and im kind of lonely. i went from knowing exactly who i am to questioning every single part of my identity. i went from crying my heart out every night, to not being able to show any remorse, guilt, or emotion. i switch daily from being confident in who i am and want to be, and the next day realizing im never gonna achieve my dreams and just daydream my whole life.

i have no motivation for anything at all, im doing terrible in school, and mentally, and i have absolutely no one to talk to, and one people ask me whats wrong i dont open up because opening up has proven to be very useless in the past, so ive learnt to not do it anymore.

i just feel like i cant trust anyone and nothing can go right ever, all my happiness is short lived and minor inconveniences make me think the whole world is after me.

and i guess im just kind of scared of writing right now. im scared because i dont know who i am, hell idek if i can still WRITE well. im confused on all i am, im losing interest in everything that makes me happy, and its fucking heart-wrenching to lose such strong parts of my personality.

like i dont scream or blush or anything when louis posts or someone else posts him, and it makes me fucking want to scream because i still love him and he means so much to me but i cant even consistently react or feel the same way about him. i cant do anything consistently anymore, not writing, not loving, not anything.

most of all im terrified to lose this too, im terrified to lose interest, to give up, to think i cant do it anymore because out of everything im losing interest in, this is one thing i simply cant. i just cant.

so i procrastinate and i push it off to the weekend, and then the next weekend, because of the pressure im putting on myself. i can feel myself losing interest in writing, and it makes me want to destroy something. i can feel myself losing it so i push it off because im scared that when i actually try and sit down to write, i wont love it anymore.

i used to go on this app 24/7 and now i open it once every three days. im going to continue this book i promise. i was so excited for it. the plot is so original, exciting, and unique. no one has made a louis soccer book and i couldnt believe the ideas that grace and jules helped me come up with, and i dont feel that way anymore. i dont feel excited to sit down and write. but because of the joy your comments give me, i still do.

occasionally there are comments begging me to update, and i totally understand yalls pain. i wish i could update too, but im scared and i cant bring myself to. this comments arent rude or anything, but they put more pressure on me and scare me even more. ive been feeling like im losing myself and who i am for a while now but im just starting to realize it and its happening so rapidly. im struggling with my identity and im alone and confused, im just oh so very confused about every single thing going on in my life. i cant seem to properly configure or understand anything at the moment.

so really this is my last priority. i hope you guys understand. again, once i feel a little better and a little less mopey and su!cIdal (on some days) ill be back for good. i really dont want to lose this. im scared guys, i cant lose this and you. thank you for listening and being such a huge part of my life, ill never ever stop thanking you. youre all beautiful human beings and so understanding and nice to me.

also feel free to ask me questions in the comments if you want! regarding the book or anything else :)

also i got my phone taken away today so if any of you guys try and contact me pls contact through insta dms my @ is partridgedreams! also follow my tiktok though i obviously cant post atm, partridgewife.

<33

this is copy pasted from my other book, please go and read that. i will be hopefully updating that one sooner than this since its a bigger priority to me . love you <3