A chance to love again

VI

Can

I remain in that hospital corridor unable to move or prefer speech.
The guilt wears me down, how could I have allowed something like this to happen to her? How could I have been so shallow?
My oversized ego has taken over every caution and every sense of reason.

I'm shocked that I held her so tightly, while I was talking to her angrily, to the point of leaving bruises on her arms, I feel like a monster, Nihat is right to be angry with me.

How could I have let her go alone into the night without accompanying her or making sure she got into a cab safely? Had she really lost all importance to me?

I wish I could follow the others to make sure she was okay, that she would wake up and be okay. I would like to hold her in my arms right now, I would like to go back in time and hold her in my arms telling her that it's okay, that perfume doesn't matter at all, that only she is important and she is not her perfume.

I realize it only now, I let the attachment to her perfume, that wonderful perfume that bewitched me from the first moments in the darkness of that lodge in the theater, that perfume that allowed me to recognize her in real life and fall in love with her, be more important than Sanem.

It couldn't be more important than her wonderful smile, her energy, her inexhaustible enthusiasm for everything around her, from flowers to poems to stars.
The world looks like an enchanted place seen through Sanem's eyes, that's what I fell in love with not her perfume.

I lean my head and back against the wall and let myself slide to the floor, I feel like a despicable and insensitive person, I saw the deep pain in her eyes when I stupidly told her that she was like anyone else to me, if I love her like I say I do how could I have hurt her like that?

I feel like a vile being and unworthy of her great love, she has always loved me, she gave away the precious family recipe to save my agency and then me too from prison, I understand that now.

She was sick this morning and yet she came to the agency and tried to talk to me and me? I ignored her the whole time, I didn't even make the effort to look up at her otherwise I would have realized something had happened to her the night before and she wasn't well.

I can't believe I've been so stubborn and selfish, she deserved to be listened to, she deserved respect and I didn't have any for her, neither last night yelling at her with all my breath nor this morning preventing her from explaining her point of view.

I feel a hand resting on my shoulder, it's Emre who came back after following Layla and the Aydins. I get up anxiously.

- How is she? Has she woken up? Is she ok? -

- Can, you understand I didn't go into her room, I stayed outside and Layla came out to tell me she was regaining consciousness but she was in a lot of pain so the nurse came in to give her an additional shot to help her rest -

I have tears in my eyes thinking about what Sanem is going through right now because of me. My brother hugs me tightly to give me comfort.

- Can please don't torture yourself. I'm sure you didn't mean for anything to happen to her, you were careless to let her go without making sure she was safe, but it's nobody's fault it was an accident -

- Emre, do you realize what happened? She was lucky that her lung was partially punctured in time, if it had happened massively in the impact, who would have rescued her alone at night in the woods? I can't rest abi, bro, I loved her, I mean I'm sure I loved her and yet I was driven by a stupid fixation on that perfume and ruined everything, I even risked causing her death, can you believe that? And to make everything worse she collapsed in the belief that she spent the night at the cabin with Polen and with the image before her eyes of us kissing passionately in my office -

Emre shakes his head confused - How? -

- Never mind, it's a long story, the moral is only one, I lost the only woman I ever loved in my life because of my ridiculous stubbornness and my so-called wounded pride.
I let that Polen witch manipulate me and do everything she could to separate us, I almost killed the most amazing and wonderful being I have ever known.

Isn't that enough for you to be desperate? -