A chance to love again

XII

Can

The time seems to never pass, I waited for Saturday to arrive counting the minutes one by one and now we are finally here, I arrived early in front of the bar on the seafront where Sanem is meeting Deren and Guliz, I hope to be able to not only see her but also talk to her for a few minutes at least.

I'd like to try to wring a promise from her that we'll meet calmly so we can clear the air, I want that immensely, I hope she's had time to calm down and give me a chance, that's all I ask.

I stay in the car to avoid being seen for the moment, I'm agitated and can't sit still until finally here she comes, it seems like an eternity since I last saw her. She's as beautiful as ever, I just notice that she's slightly awkward in her movements, probably due to the bandage on her chest She's accompanied by Layla, they approach the bar walking slowly and chatting.

It's her but it's not her, there's something I can't define that makes her different from usual, it takes me a few moments to figure out what it is.

She doesn't smile.

Where is my Sanem, always smiling and full of joie de vivre? Was it me who turned off her wonderful smile? I can't even think about it, I feel horrible just thinking about having hurt her so much in body and soul. I know I was wrong and I want to make it up to her in every way, I need to make her understand that she can trust me again, I just need to talk to her, that's all I need.

I see Deren and Guliz arrive and together they go into the bar to sit on the outdoor terrace overlooking the Bosphorus, it's a surprisingly warm day for March and I see Sanem raise her face several times towards the sun to enjoy its beneficial warmth on her skin. She has been indoors for a fortnight, the way I know her I am sure she misses the sun and the outdoors enormously.

I stay in the car all the time watching her chatting, I keep getting this annoyingly off note on her face, she has lost her usual vitality, it may be due to the accident, but my impression is that she is sad and worried.

I would like to take all her pain and worries upon myself, I would like to redeem myself for the unspeakable behaviour of that night, for my lack of consideration and respect towards her, to apologise again for not listening to her.

I'm lost in these thoughts as I see them get up and move towards the door, I wait for them to say goodbye and for Deren and Guliz to leave before I quickly get out of the car and intercept them on the driveway leading to the promenade.

They both raise an astonished glance at me when I reach them, the first to speak is Layla, protective as ever of her younger sister.

- Can bay what does you want? I don't think there's anything more to say, leave my sister alone, she's in this condition because of you, aren't you ashamed to show your face?

It's not easy to take the blow, she's angry and she's right to be angry, I can't blame her. My gaze is glued on Sanem though, she has her head down, she doesn't look at me as I did that morning in the agency when she asked me to listen to her.

- Sanem, lutfen, can we please talk alone for a moment? -

Layla intervenes once again - Don't even think about it, you've already hurt her enough...-

-Abla, sister, it's OK, don't worry, nothing will happen, can you give us a moment? I'll be right there -

She nods unconvinced, gives me a fiery look and walks away towards a bench not far away.

-Sanem, please can we sit down and talk calmly, can you give me a chance to explain how things went, lutfen, please -

He finally raises his eyes on me, the impact with his gaze is so violent that I have to take a step back, I'm so surprised to see anger, disappointment mixed with hatred and contempt, I've never seen a negative feeling reflected in her eyes, but in that moment I read all the worst I could wish for. I feel myself dying of anguish, I am about to speak when she resolutely takes the floor.

- Can, we have nothing to talk about, we could still have done it that night at the hut, maybe even that morning at the agency, but YOU didn't allow it to happen and now it is too late, many things have changed, I have changed.
I have taken note of your choice, I have accepted it and there is nothing else to say.

Just one last thing, I should have sent it to you, but since we've met, it's just as well - she rummages in her bag and takes out an elegant vial of perfume and hands it to me.

- Here it is, what you have always wanted from me, MY perfume. Now you can have as much as you want, you can buy it in every perfumery in convenient packages of 100, 150 or 200 ml.

Since this is MY perfume, I did what I wanted with it, this time I did not give it away to save your agency, I did not give it away to get you out of prison, I gave it away to have the opportunity to build a new life, a life without you and far from you and from that woman you want and that you obviously deserve to have next to you.

Hoşçakal, goodbye Can bay -

I remain paralysed on the spot, unable to speak or move to follow her when she passes me with a resolute attitude to join her sister and leave with her.

It didn't go as I thought. She said well, she has changed, she is no longer the Sanem always ready to accept from me whatever I was willing to give her, I realize only now that she has always allowed me to make the best and the worst of our relationship, she has accepted everything from me... and I was not aware of it. I only realise now that she is dictating the rules and apparently she has decided that there is no more us and no more relationship.

The worst thing is the knowledge that she continues to be convinced that she is with Polen and I once again had no way of explaining to her.

I lower my gaze to the vial in my hand, the perfume, that damned perfume that bewitched me from the first moment and finally drove me to madness.

I unscrew the cap and bring it to my nose, I inhale deeply but nothing happens, it doesn't cause me any reaction, it's the same perfume, I'm aware of that, but as she explained to me every perfume acquires a different fragrance when it mixes with the smell of the skin of the person wearing it.

This is not the perfume I loved, it has nothing to do with that, because it lacks the essential element, it lacks her.