A chance to love again

XXVI

Sanem

It was great to have Osman with me for a few days, we spent all the free time he had from the set together, it was like going back to the old days, he helped me emerge from that whirlpool of anguish into which I have fallen since that cursed night.

I also spent a lot of time with Elisa and Andrea, we almost always had lunch together and a good friendship was born between us.
I told them what had happened to me over the last few months and I had to tell them about the baby, if only to make sure that Elisa did not propose food that was not allowed during pregnancy. It wasn't easy to talk about it, but it did me good, I needed it, talking about what happened helps me to reason rationally trying to take note of it beyond the emotional burden that these events have brought.
I'm trying not to let myself be ruled by pain and disappointment in order to look at the situation from the right perspective and with objectivity in view of the important decisions I'll have to take for myself and the baby.

Unfortunately, this evening Osman will leave the island for a big publicity campaign that will take him to South Africa for two months, we probably won't even be able to talk to each other during this period since he will be staying in very wild places far from the main towns.

I go down to the harbour with Andrea, who has to do some errands, with the understanding that we will come back together shortly afterwards. I just want to say goodbye to my friend and go home, I am feeling very tired these days with the nausea which has begun to be my companion every morning. I've been feeling terrible as soon as I wake up for some time now, I can't swallow anything without putting it back down immediately afterwards, each episode leaves me exhausted and extremely weak.

I stop near the ticket office at the port and I see Osman arriving with his American friend, I go up to him, happy to see him, and give him a big hug.
- Ready to go? -

- Yeah, I wish I didn't, it's too important a commitment I made months ago, I can't back out otherwise I would have stayed here with you-

Sam comes forward, takes my hand and looks me intensely in the eyes - Sanem, it was a real pleasure to meet you, I'm only sorry I couldn't go deeper into our acquaintance, who knows if in the future our paths might cross again and... - Once again he performs a gallant hand-kissing which amuses and embarrasses me at the same time.

Osman raises his eyes to the sky, takes my arm and leads me towards a nearby bench, telling his friend that they will see each other shortly on the ferry.

- Sanem, I must be honest, I'm not comfortable leaving you here alone in your delicate condition, please take care of yourself. Please don't let your emotions rule you, don't let them override your rationality in trying to understand what is right for you and the baby right now, tamam, okay? Don't close yourself off in your pain but remain open to listening, things are often not as they seem and the decision taken under the guidance of emotions can be regretted even for a lifetime, do you promise? -

I have tears in my eyes, I was very touched by his words, I know he is a trustworthy and wise friend. I nod because my throat is closed with emotion and I can't utter a single word, I hug him tightly, I will miss his closeness so much, it must be the hormones of the pregnancy but I seem to live every emotion amplified to the maximum and in this moment I already feel an enormous sadness for the departure of my lifelong friend.

He still recommends me to be careful, to think carefully about what he has told me and to send him messages to let him know how I am, at most he will read them all together when he manages to return to the civil world. I smile amused and touched by his concern. It's time to board for him, we hug each other tightly again.

-Remember Sanem, don't close yourself off, stay open to listening and talking, I recommend-

I don't quite understand the meaning of his last sentence but I nod, the words of my wise friend are always a precious treasure to be kept in store and put into practice when the time comes. I watch him get on board and greet me again from the deck of the ferry while it begins its manoeuvres to leave the port of Ischia.
I stand on the dock for a long time watching him disappear into the horizon, I feel so lonely without him, the notification of a message relieves me from the moment of self-pity that I am experiencing, Andrea is waiting for me at the agreed place to go home. I am sad about my friend leaving, my new friend clearly realises this and tries to lift my spirits with his usual antics, by now I have learnt to know him, he is a guy with a heart of gold.

When we arrive at the residence we say goodbye with the understanding that we will meet again later for dinner, I am tired but I don't want to go inside, I need the sea, I need the calming power it has always exercised over my restless heart.

I go down to the beach and sit on the sand with my back against the boat which has now become my refuge from the world. I close my eyes and let the sound of the waves and the warmth of the sun help me regain my composure, I feel alone now that my friend has gone, I feel like I've lost my balance, I've been leaning on him and now I have to find a way to stand on my own again.

I hear someone approaching, some decisive footsteps on the sand coming towards me, I open my eyes smiling thinking that it is Elisa or Andrea and for a moment I think I am dreaming. I shake my head in disbelief, it must be a hallucination, Can can't be here in front of me on a remote beach on the island of Ischia.

I stand up incredulous as he stops in front of me, my mind is crowded with a thousand thoughts, how did he find me? But above all, why did he look for me if I am nobody to him and he has chosen to live his life with another woman?

I'm caught by a strong dizziness and I'm forced to lean against the edge of the boat, Can takes a step towards me as if to support me but I instinctively withdraw, I don't want him to touch me, it would hurt too much to feel his touch on my skin, to feel him close would destroy me.

I don't want to touch him and I don't want to talk to him, I have to leave now, I walk past him and towards home.

- Sanem -

- Sanem please listen to me -

- Sanem, lütfen, can we please talk for a moment? -

keep walking, I can't, I can't listen to him, I can't let him continue to destroy me.