A chance to love again

XV

Sanem

The time has come.
It wasn't easy but I managed to take the clothes and belongings I needed most out of the house a little at a time, pretending to go for a walk.
I was going to Ayhan's house, luckily she left me the keys just in case, and I put everything in a suitcase that she didn't need when she left.

I left the house in the middle of the night when everyone was asleep, went to get my things, and called a taxi to take me to the airport.

I wrote a note to my parents trying to explain my decision, I told them that I needed to be alone for a while, that they could rest assured that I would take care of myself, but I needed to get away from those places that were full of painful memories for me.

I had to leave right away, I couldn't wait any longer, my mother would surely have sensed my condition soon, she is too careful and witty not to notice anything, I am more than sure, I can't risk it.

In fact what I wrote is not entirely a lie, the neighbourhood, the shop, my house, even my room with the albatross poster did nothing but bring him to mind.
I saw him everywhere, he had been everywhere, and he seemed to pervade every place with his presence.

Not even my beloved seafront and the rocks, where I always used to go to take refuge and look at the sea, could give me comfort any more, nothing seemed to help me find myself and my balance.

Even in the waves of the sea there was him, he was everywhere around and inside me.
Thinking that a part of him was growing inside me, gave me comfort in some way, through that little being that was growing inside me I would have him by my side forever.

These are the thoughts that run through my mind as I sit on the seat in the waiting room of the international departure area of Istanbul airport, waiting for the gate number of my flight to appear on the screen.
It is paradoxical that I have never flown before, Can had promised me that we would travel the world together, and now I take the plane for the first time and leave Turkey just to get away from him.

This was the first step of my new beginning, of my new life without my family and without the man I thought was mine forever.
I was filled with a strange feeling, as if a voice was insistently telling me not to do it, not to leave, it was a stubborn and tenacious voice that had been echoing in my head ever since I started thinking about this trip, I didn't want to admit it but I knew what it was.

It was the distant echo of my heart that did not want to leave him.

I hear my flight called, I get up as if in a trance, put on my jacket and start moving with my suitcase full of everything and nothing.
There is my diary and there is the amber necklace he had given me as a gift, telling me it would bring me luck, that it would keep me together with my love wherever it is in the world.

I don't think it can work anymore but I couldn't leave it at home, a force I couldn't counteract in any way pushed me to put it in my suitcase, I couldn't tear myself away from it.

I arrived at the gate, I check my ticket and documents and I'm ready to pass through that door, it's time to go, to open a new page in the mysterious book of everyone's life.
I don't know what it will take me but I know where it will take me, I look up at the boarding screen and smile...

                                                     ITALY