A chance to love again

XLVI

Sanem

Being in his arms, leaning against his chest with the beat of his heart as a counterbalance to that beautiful music, whose words make my heart beat faster, seems like a dream.

Over the last few months, I have often feared that there was no hope, that our paths were now irretrievably separated, it all seems so unreal and wonderful.

When our dance was over, he took my hand and kissed it, looking intensely into my eyes.

-Sweet night Sanem, I hope to dream of you in the most beautiful of dreams my love-

He walks away walking backwards for a while as if he can't take his eyes off me, I stand still watching him walk back to his boat while every now and then he turns to check if I'm still there, we laugh like two teenagers in love.

I enter the doorway with a feeling of joy that I don't think I've ever felt before in our relationship, I finally feel that he is able to put my needs before everything, even his own desires, the delicacy of not pressuring me to stay with me shows his regard for me and my feelings.

I go up the stairs and first thing I go to look out on the little terrace to look towards his boat, there he is sitting on the deck looking towards my windows, immediately raising his hand to greet me. My heart bursts with joy at the idea that he can love me as I love him.

We both stand still, looking at each other from afar, reflecting on the miracle we are experiencing and the intensity of our feelings, which are even deeper after such a painful separation.

After the umpteenth goodbye, I go back to get ready for the night, a night that can only be full of daydreams about him, about us, and about us and our baby.

The next morning my first thought, even before opening my eyes, is of him. Knowing that he is so close gives me a crazy burst of energy. I throw off the sheets and put on my dressing gown to rush out onto the terrace to look in the direction of his boat. I find him in the same spot where I left him the night before, staring at my windows, because he raises a hand to greet me as soon as he sees me, points at an envelope, himself and me. I nod happily and make a gesture with my hand to let him know he can come, I see him spring to his feet and in an instant he's already on the pier coming to me, I go back in excited like a little girl to go and tidy up before he arrives.

Today is the first day of our new beginning, our new life together.

I hear the doorbell ring as I'm tying my hair back into a tail, I go to open the door tying my dressing gown back over my prominent abdomen. I open the door smiling expecting to see her face in front of me and instead I find the most romantic of bouquets with gerberas, tulips and sunflowers in delicate colours. I am breathless with surprise and emotion at such a sweet and delicate thought, I see his smiling face emerge from behind the flowers and I can't help but throw my arms around him - Caann -.

He hugs and kisses me as happy as I am, I'm sure.

-Come on in. How wonderful, teşekkürler, thank you -

He enters carrying with him a delicious perfume that, once again, makes my stomach growl, Can puts his hand on my abdomen and lowers himself saying - Good morning little one, don't worry daddy has brought the necessary to feed your mummy - It moves me to hear him speak like that, to hear him call himself daddy and call me mummy seems strange and wonderfully unreal.

We set the table on the small terrace and have breakfast chatting, I tell him that today I will take him to see all my favourite places and he puts his hand in the backpack he brought with him to take out the camera.

- Great, I'm ready to start capturing every single day to fix the changes that will take place in you until the baby arrives, it all has to be documented from now and then the first years of the little one, we mustn't miss any details -

I look at him enchanted by the delicacy of that thought, he seems to have immediately got used to the idea of becoming a father and he also shows to be very enthusiastic about it, I can only be so happy.

- Come on, get ready, I'll set up here, take me on a tour -

We spend an unforgettable day, carefree as we had never lived together, we have lunch in a small restaurant in the alleys of Camogli and then we go to relax on MY bench, in the shade of a secular maple tree overlooking the sea. He sits down and invites me to lie down, resting my head on his legs; I obey, smiling at his attentions.

- Tell me about the pregnancy, when you found out, what these first months were like, how you felt, what ailments you had -

When I tell him that I found out in hospital after waking up from the operation and the decision to leave before my mother could suspect anything, he strokes my cheek and interrupts me.

- Forgive me again Sanem, when I think of all you've been through because of me, first the accident and then having to deal with a situation like this on your own, I really don't know how to make it up to you for all of this -

This time I put my hand on his cheek - Can, it's over, it was hard but it's over. Let's go on together, from today we have our new beginning, that's all that matters -

I then tell him about the terrible nausea of the first months, he smiles and nods - That's what happened during our picnic, why you pulled away trying to breathe deeply, and I thought you were suffering from post-traumatic panic attacks. Now I also understand the point of all those supplements in the bathroom - He shakes his head - What a fool I was for not understanding anything -

- Can, you couldn't imagine, I told you there were no consequences to our night together you couldn't think otherwise -

He sighs - I only know that I am enormously sorry for not being there for you these months, for not being able to support you when you were sick, affet beni aşkım, forgive me my love -

I get up sitting up and approach him, I take his hand and bring it to my abdomen - Can, the most important thing is that you are there now tamam, ok? From now on you won't lose anything quietly! -

Just then, as if he had sensed the solemnity of that instant between us the child moves energetically pressing against his hand. We both look at each other in amazement, until now I had only heard the fluttering of a butterfly's wings, but I had never perceived such a decisive movement. We both laugh with tears in our eyes, incredulous at the indescribable sensation we are feeling at this moment.

- It's incredible Sanem, it's wonderful and incredible to think that together you and I have created a small human being who will soon open his eyes to this world, only two days ago I couldn't even remotely imagine being here with you today with my heart in turmoil after hearing our son move for the first time. Teşekkürler canım, thank you my love, thank you for being a brave woman and deciding to go through with a pregnancy, even if alone, rather than making a decision that could have solved all your problems but would not have brought our child into the world. Seni çok seviyorum, I love you so much Sanem -

-Ben de seni çok seviyorum, I love you so much too Can and I could never have killed a part of you, on the contrary, it was my consolation to think that even if I had lost you irrevocably I could have loved a part of you forever.

He holds me in an embrace that says a lot about his love, about his desire to keep us both close so that we would never let go again.