A chance to love again

XIII

Sanem

The day finally arrived when they removed the bandage that was oppressing my chest intolerably only to realise that perhaps it was not the bandage that was giving me a persistent feeling of weight on my heart, of breathlessness.

What I feel deep inside, that devastating pain that grips my heart in a continuous vice and takes my breath away, has nothing to do with the accident. All that pain has turned for some time into anger, into indignation.

It's as if all the anger and disappointment I had felt during those terrible days in hospital and then at home exploded and then subsided with that brief encounter in which I tried with all my might to give him the impression that I hated him and despised him for what he had done to me.

That confrontation drained me of all energy for days, having to pretend to hate him was devastating, I can try as hard as I want to convince him and the others, but only my soul knows how much pain is hidden in every silent tear I shed during the night so that no one can hear my despair.

I saw his gaze first surprised and then hurt by my attitude and my sharp words, I realise I wasn't myself in those moments, an unstoppable anger invaded me at the thought of what he had done to me.

I wanted to hurt him like he had hurt me, so much.

He had deluded me that he could be the man of my life, I had given myself to him and now I would have to face the consequences alone because, apparently, in his life there can be no place for me or for a child.

I still can't believe that after all we had shared he was able to erase everything with one clean sweep, as if I had never existed, we had never existed and he had gone back to his previous life with Polen as if nothing had happened.

The idea that two days before I was in his arms and two days later he was holding that woman in his arms made me viscerally hate him even if...

Even if my heart could only think with regret that if I had known that that would have been the last kiss, the last embrace, I would have held him even tighter to me, I would have tasted even more of his warmth and the wonderful feeling of belonging that only he, I'm sure, will ever be able to give me.

I knew that I would never really be able to get him out of my heart and mind, he would always and only be there for me, forever.

I would never love anyone like I had loved him.