A chance to love again

XXVIII

Sanem

I turn my back on him and hurry up the stairs to seek refuge behind the tightly closed gate of my flat.

I stop to catch my breath, leaning on the balustrade of the terrace, looking for calm and comfort as always in the view of the sea, a beautiful sunset is colouring the sky with a thousand shades, but I can't see it, I just need to get my breath back and get his heartfelt look off my mind as he asks me to talk for a moment.
I shake my head, no, no Sanem don't let him trick you again, you can't give him another chance, it would just be another opportunity to let him destroy you again.
I close my eyes concentrating on my breathing to calm myself down.

Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale.

I open my eyes again only to find him in front of me on the beach making a gesture with his hand as if to get my attention, damn him! What is he going to do? Torture me? I turn my back on him and as the sun sets to enter the house, I slip into the shower to try and wash away the tension that has taken hold of me.

Once I'm dressed I cautiously lean out the door and stick my head out just to check that he's still there, by now the sun has set but he's still there, sitting on the sand in the same spot I left him an hour ago.

I go back to the house and lie down between the cushions of the wicker sofa, for a moment Osman's words come back to my mind: "Remember Sanem, don't shut yourself up, stay open to listening and talking, please" Did he know Can was here? If not, why did he tell me this, now that sentence that had puzzled me at the time makes sense.

I shake my head in disbelief, Osman knew Can was on the island and didn't tell me anything, why? I want to try to listen to his words but the only reply that my mind can formulate is: why should I remain open to listening and talking to a person who has not done so with me? Why should I listen to his words when I am worth less than nothing to him?

I realise that by now it is dark, it is dinner time, I move stealthily to the veranda and then run up the last few steps that separate me from the main entrance of the residence where I can reach, finally quiet, the restaurant area. Andrea is already waiting for me at the usual table, as I'm reaching him I see Elisa come out of the kitchen and join me in a warm embrace - Andrea told me, let me finish in the kitchen and then I'll join you, ok? -

I sit down under the attentive gaze of Andrea who evidently decides it is better to lighten the situation, he smiles at me and starts talking about the news regarding his upcoming departure.

Both will leave the island next week, their parents will return soon and they will be free to return to their lives, at this point I begin to wonder what to do in the near future, my secret refuge from the world apparently is not so secret, it's time to think about where to go after leaving Ischia. The dinner takes place as usual in a relaxed atmosphere, the room is empty of all the guests and finally Elisa joins us with the coffee.

-So girl, tell me how are you? -

- Yes, I'm fine, I have to admit that at first I was shocked to find him in front of me, but I told him what I think, that is that we have nothing to say to each other, I hope he gets the message and leaves -

-Sanem, do you realise that this man must have gone to a lot of trouble to get here, to find you at the end of the world? That doesn't sound like the attitude of someone who thinks your relationship is over or that he doesn't care about you. Have you thought about that? -

-No, I don't know, maybe it's guilt over the accident I had leaving his cabin, he'll want to apologise again I don't know and I don't want to know. I've come to understand only one thing with absolute certainty, that man is capable of destroying me Elisa, I can't give him the chance to do so any more, I must stay away from him -

-Sanem, he's the father of your child, shouldn't he know that? -

-I know, Osman also asked me the same question and I'm answering you as I answered him, what kind of relationship could my child have with a father who lives his life moving from one part of the world to another? What kind of father could he be? No thank you, I have to protect both of us from the pain he might cause us.-

She reaches out a hand to take mine, she looks into my eyes serious for the first time since I met her.

-Sanem these are important decisions you are about to take, do you have any idea where you will go after you leave Ischia? Are you going back to Turkey? -

- No, I can't, for now I can't go back to my family, I'll choose another place to move to for the remaining months of my pregnancy, I can't stay here-

- Listen to me then, we have only known each other for a short time but you have become so dear to me, I do not want to think of you travelling who knows where to face a pregnancy alone in a foreign country. I normally live in Camogli, in Liguria, my neighbour is about to leave to study abroad for a year and is renting her flat, would you like to come and live near me? It's a beautiful town overlooking a wonderful sea.

For someone like me, born and raised on an island, it is impossible to live far from the sea, what do you think? I will leave on Monday, think about it and let me know.

Her proposal infuses me with a new breath of hope, his proposal seems to be an answer to my silent prayers, I smile and return her grip with the other hand -

- I don't need to think about it, I gladly accept to be your new neighbour, thank you very much for thinking of me -

- That's plan B Sanem, plan A is to listen to what the man has to say, maybe you can discover common ground, think about it, it would be good for the child too if the parents could find a way to make things work between them -

I shake my head firmly - No Elisa, we already tried that once and that's how it ended, it can never work between us, it's useless, it wasn't written in the stars that we should be together -

- But it seems to me that the guy who followed you here and who stayed down at the beach until night waiting for your signal, is working hard to try to rewrite what the stars say, think about it Sanem, don't be as stubborn as he was in not wanting to listen to your reasons-

I nod, but I still think that it's impossible for there to be anything between us anymore, it's not possible after what happened, I can't think of entrusting my heart to him anymore.