A chance to love again

XIX

Sanem

I arrived a few days ago and it seems to me that I have done nothing but sleep and eat, obviously I needed to recover my energy after the journey which I faced while still convalescing, not to mention the pregnancy which I think is one of the causes of my continuous sleepiness.

Today I woke up decidedly more energetic and rested, I turn on the phone to send a message to my sister and let my family know that I am well, I think they are worried sick about me, but I am an adult now and I have to learn to take care of myself and soon not only of myself.
I get several notifications indicating that many people have been looking for me, including Can. I don't understand why he called me, I've made it clear that we have nothing more to say to each other at this point.

I also send a message to Osman and, as if it were just to talk, I ask him how he's doing and when he'll be leaving for the photo shoot in Italy, wishing him a good trip. He replied almost immediately saying that he was due to arrive on the island of Ischia the next day.
Well, I will call him after he arrives to tell him that I am here, until then he must not know.

Before turning off the phone I call Andrea to ask him if he can accompany me to the village for some errands, and we meet in front of the gate in a few minutes.
On the short drive to the centre of town I open the window and close my eyes for a moment, enjoying the scents of this wonderful land and the beauty of the breathtaking view that opens up before me.

I let myself be dropped off near the port with the understanding that I will meet up with you after lunch, I have several errands to do, first of all I buy an Italian phone card in order to be able to surf the internet with the new tablet which I bought before leaving and check my e-mail box. I want to switch on the phone as little as possible with the Turkish number, I will only do it to send messages to my parents and contact Osman for the moment, I do not want to hear from anyone else.

I enter a bookshop in the main street and I am enchanted by the beauty of the place, it is located in an old building with vaulted ceilings of rough stone and it is pervaded by the unmistakable scent of new books which is said to be the same everywhere in the world. I wander around the shelves curious, most of the books are in Italian of course, but I manage to find some texts on pregnancy in English too, at this point I take the opportunity to practice studying the language. I then go to a pharmacy to ask the pharmacist about the supplements recommended in pregnancy, I manage to understand his English quite well, he tells me that I have to take folic acid and recommends tablets which contain a complex of vitamins studied specifically for women in the first months of pregnancy.

I have lunch in a nice little restaurant by the sea devouring some very tasty fish dishes, it seems finally that my appetite is coming back luckily, it will be the sea air or the feeling of peace that this island gives me.
I am happy with the choice I made, I realise it was a risky one, but I think in the end it was the best choice I have made in a long time.

I can't say I've been sensible lately, I've given all of myself to a man who turned his back on me without hesitation at the first difficulty. If he had really loved me, that terrible argument at the hut would never have happened, he would not have treated me with such rude and contemptuous ways, I am now more convinced than ever.
He didn't love me, I only deluded myself, I idealised that man seeing only what I wanted to see, but in the end he turned out to be what he really is: someone who doesn't deserve my heart.

I wondered for a long time if it was right to keep him in the dark about the presence of the child, it's not in my nature to be dishonest, on such an important matter, but I really don't see any possibility of reconciliation between us, he has chosen his life and I have to accept the fact that he doesn't expect me to be part of it.
At this point I don't want him to be part of mine or my son's life, what relationship could he have with a father who is always ready to pick up and leave? I have understood that he is not made to stay, he is not made to be there for someone, that's why he is fine with his relationship with Polen, he only needs to see her three times a year and the rest of the time he is free to go where he wants. With his son he would have a time-based relationship, he would be a father always passing by and coming to see him between trips, I think this is much worse than not having a father at all.

I shake off my gloomy thoughts when the waiter comes over to give me the bill, I pay and head towards the harbour to get to the meeting place with Andrea to go home, I feel very tired and can't wait to go and have a rest.

I emerge from my afternoon nap at almost sunset, I walk out of the gate of my flat and down the few steps that separate me from the beach, a strip of white sand on a crystal clear sea like I've never seen before.

I take off my shoes and walk for a long time until the sand gives way to a series of rocks, I stop and look at them and decide not to climb on them for the moment, they remind me too much of my rocks, our rocks. I turn back and sit down to watch the last bit of sun disappearing behind the horizon set on fire by a blazing sunset while I can't help but think about those damn rocks and the sunsets I've admired while leaning against his chest, held in his arms.

I hear footsteps approaching behind me, I look up at the smiling face of Elisa who has come to tell me that dinner is ready, tonight only I will be there, the other guests have left Ischia for an excursion to Capri and will return in the evening. I tell her I'm not very hungry and invite her to sit down for a moment if she wants, since she doesn't need to run to the kitchen.

- So Sanem, do you like our beautiful island? -

- I love it, I'm very happy to have come here, I feel it's the right place for me -

- It's the right place for what? To run away from someone? I'm sorry if I'm too direct, but that's how I am, unfortunately, I can't help saying what I'm thinking, and right now I think you're infinitely sad and you're running away from those who hurt you so much-

I look into her eyes for a moment and then look away with a bitter smile.

- To say that he hurt me is an understatement, we can actually say that he almost killed me and I don't mean that figuratively. Yes, I'm here to heal the wounds of the body and the heart you're right, I don't know how well it will work, especially for the latter, but I have to try somehow -

She puts her hand on my back and remains silent for an interminable time, finally she comes to his senses and stands up.

- You know Sanem, the Japanese, when they repair a broken object, they enhance the crack by filling it with gold, they believe that when something has suffered a wound and has a story, it becomes more beautiful. In my opinion you are a beautiful person who has had a very important story, whether it is really over or not only time will tell, in the meantime I can tell you that there is no wound that a risotto with langoustine cream cannot heal. Come on girl, come and let me feed you properly - She holds out her hand to help me up smiling.

I smile taking her firm grip, nod and follow her towards the dining room. I really like this girl, she has the spontaneity and cheerfulness that I have always loved enormously in Ayhan.

Maybe I had to fly to another continent to find a sincere friend, maybe every cloud has a silver lining, maybe my crack really is made to be filled with gold and embellished with who knows what.