Finally Found

Chapter 26 • Reality

TW: Mentions of self harm and self hatred

I've always wondered what happens when people die. What they think, where they go. There's always the question of if heaven or hell are real or if you get reincarnated or if your life on this earth just stops and that's it. I don't know which one would be better, if heaven and hell exist I'd get to see my mom again, if I'm reincarnated I'd be a completely different person with a completely different story, or everything just stops and eventually as time would go on you'd be forgotten because there'd be no one else on earth to remember you.

The unknown is what fears me the most, not knowing whats gonna happen. Sitting at my bay window while watching the sun rise above the horizon should be a peaceful thing, it normally would be except my mind doesn't turn off, it keeps going until my hearts racing and my mind is hazy unaware of everything going on around me.

Until it all just stops.

Taking deep breaths slows my heart, closing my eyes while listening to the sound of birds chirping through my open window clears my mind. My body is completely relaxed for what feels like the first time in years, finally feeling safe enough to lower my guard completely.

I stay like that for a while until the sun is lighting up the whole sky and casting a warm glow through my window and onto my face.

The smell of the fresh air coming into my room causes a soft smile to grow on my face making me fall deeper into the relaxation my mind is in.

It feels like everything is perfectly fine, that nothing bad will ever happen, like all the bad in this world has vanished. But I know that hasn't happened, I know my demons still chase and haunt me, that there's still evil terrorizing this world. But I let my mind think it's real, that everything is completely fine.

The sound of my alarm going off brings me back to reality and all the horrors that come with it, how I can't sleep anymore because of those terrifying brown eyes that carry everything vile and evil to possibly exist, that my mother is no longer here to be my rainbow in the stormiest of days, of how I still flinch when my brothers make quick and sudden movements. That's my reality no matter how hard I try and ignore it.

I make my way over to my alarm clock to shut it off before checking the time.

5:00 am

Groaning loudly I face plant into my soft bed. I know I have school today but I really don't want to deal with anyone. My teachers are all nice and most of the students there know to mind they're own business, that or they're to scared of my brothers to ask me questions.

But then there's Lilli who knows when I need her to talk or just comfort me in silence, I know she knows I've not been sleeping or she at least knows somethings wrong. Its only a matter of time before my brothers find out, another reason why I've been trying to keep my distance from them. Then there's Aaron who shouldn't be on my mind at all, I've started ignoring him too but my mind wanders back to him.

Sighing to my self, I get up to go take a shower since I have about three hours before school starts.

I let out a content sigh when the hot water burns my skin turning it red, I just stand under the water staring at the white tiles for a while. I feel the water running down my face and turning my hair midnight black and straight. The steam clouding my vision causes me to blink my eyes while spitting out the water that got in my mouth. Finally deciding I should wash my body and hair I grab the shampoo.

Rinsing my self of all the lingering soap suds I sit down on the shower floor staring at my red skin in disgust. The same skin that has been touched by hands that make me burn worse then the water running down on me.